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Told by the 
Soldiers 



FUNNY STORIES 

TOLD BY 
THE SOLDIERS 

1 

PRANKS, JOKES AND LAUGHABLE AFFAIRS 

OF OUR BOYS AND THEIR ALLIES 

IN THE GREAT WAR 



The Victors in Their Cheerful Moments 



By CARLETON B. CASE 



SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO. 
CHICAGO 

Monograph 



£ 



\o 






Copyright, 1919 



BY 



SHREWESBURY PUBLISHING CO. 




APK 30 I9IS 



©CLA525300 

"WO | 



PREFACE 

Now that the dread of awful war has passed with 
the coming of welcome peace, we can turn our minds 
with renewed cheerfulness to the merry side of the 
great world's conflict and enjoy with our boys the 
funny things they saw and did and said while "over 
there." 

The comedy side of the war has been quickly seen 
and readily interpreted by the world's great writers, 
as well as by the very officers and men, in all de- 
partments of the service, who themselves participated 
in both the serious and the frivolous affairs of war- 
fare as developed day by day. 

It is the humorous experiences of which these war- 
riors and writers have told us in speech and print 
that we have sought to gather into one volume for 
the edification and delectation of a humor-loving 
public. Enough and too much has been told of the 
horrors of war. To hear the pleasanter side, the 
merry doings of our soldiers and their allies, the 
victorious hosts of freedom, is a welcome relief to 
war-weary hearts, freed now, and forever, from the 
dire dread of the awfulness of modern slaughter. 

So this collection of funny stories has come into 
being ; its mission to cheer us all with the merry tales 
told by and about our conquering soldiers. 



V 



FUNNY STORIES 

TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 



SECRETARY BAKER TELLS A GOOD ONE 

"The neat and even elegant appearance of the 
American soldier isn't maintained," said War Secre- 
tary Baker in an address, "without hard work. Yes, 
the work is hard, but doesn't the result more than 
justify it? 

"On the train the other day a private sat with 
his tunic unbuttoned, for the temperature was high. 
A sergeant strode up to him and said : 

" 'Button up that tunic ! Did you never hear of 
by-law 217, subsection D? I'm Sergeant Jabez Win- 
terbottom !' 

"A gentleman in the seat behind tapped the ser- 
geant sternly on the shoulder. 

" 'How dare you issue orders with a pipe in your 
mouth?' he asked. 'Go home and read paragraph 
174, section M, part IX. I am Major Eustace Car- 
roll.' 

"Here a gentleman with a drooping white mus- 
tache interposed from the other side of the aisle: 

'"If Major Carroll,' he said coldly, 'will consult 
by-law 31 of section K, he will learn that to repri- 

5 



6 FUNNY STORIES 

mand a sergeant in the presence of a private is an 
offense not lightly to be overlooked.' " 

THEN HE GRABBED THE PAIL 

A woman, one of the 30,000 British working for 
the Y. M. C. A., was assigned to scrub the Eagle hut 
floor in London. She had done little manual labor 
in her life, but accepted the job without protest and 
went down on her knees with a pail of hot water, a 
cloth, and a cake of soap. Soon the water in the pail 
was black. A man in uniform passed. The woman 
looked up and asked if he would mind emptying 
the pail and refilling it with clean water. 

There was a pause, then his reply : 

"Dammit, madam, I'm an officer!" 

This time there was no pause, but like a flash the 
scrubwoman retorted : 

"Dammit, officer, I'm a duchess !" 

GALLING THE GENERAL DOWN 

When General O'Neill, of Allentown, first went to 
Spartanburg, S. C, his train was three hours late. 
The negro escort appointed to receive him at the 
station had been dismissed. The general walked. 
Present^ he was accosted by a sentr}^. 

"Who is you?" 

"General O'Neill." 

"Well, you cut the buck and go u chere to head- 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 7 

quarters to beat de debbil and see my captain and 
explain yosself. We's been waitin' three hours fer 
you." 

DID SHE SAVE DOG ONE? 

In the field hospital : 

Doctor — Save me a sample of everything your 
patient takes. 

Nurse — He took a kiss this morning. 

WANTED TO KILL THE COOKS 

A young Canadian officer, who had lived for years 
in China, was deputed to take to France for service 
behind the lines a company of Chinese coolies. On 
the ocean voyage over, which was a turbulent one, a 
row developed between the coolies and the Cantonese 
cooks, and the coolies decided to kill the cooks. Hear- 
ing of it the Canadian called in several of the coolies 
and told them if they killed the cooks they would 
have nothing to eat until they reached France. 

"What's the matter?" asked the Canadian of the 
coolie ringleader. "Isn't the food good?" Yes, the 
food was good. 

"Isn't there enough food?" 

Yes, there was plenty of food. 

"Isn't it well cooked?" 

Yes, it was well cooked. 

"Well, then, what the devil is the matter? Why 
do you want to kill the cooks ?" 



8 FUNNY STORIES 

"Well," replied the coolie, "we don't know exactly 
why, but somehow or other the food won't stay 
down." 



YOU CAN'T BEAT THE IRISH 

An elderly Colonel, about to retire, was holding 
"officer hours" for the last time and four old offend- 
ers were brought in for punishment. 

The Colonel looked them over wearily, and then 
said: 

"I've been listening to the yarns and excuses you 
men have concocted for the past three years and I'm 
tired of them all. If any of you can think of some- 
thing new, I'll let you off without punishment. If you 
can't, I'll give you the limit." 

"I took just one drink, and it made me ill, Colonel," 
began the first. 

"Old stuff," said the Colonel. 

The second offender's alarm-clock had failed to 
work, and the third offender had bad news from home. 
There was nothing new in this, and each was given 
the limit. 

However, the Colonel's eyes brightened at the ap- 
proach of the fourth culprit, an Irishman. 

"Be original, Duffy. Tell me something new," 
urged the Colonel. 

"Well, Colonel," Duffy began, with his eyes 
a-twinkle, "when Oi heard the sad news that you was 
goin' to l'ave us, it made me so down-hearted that Oi 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 9 

wint to the nearest public house and drowned me 
sorrows." 

"You win!" exploded the Colonel. "Now get 
out!" 

ASK SOMEONE FROM MISSOURI 

A long and patient but vain effort on the part of 
a khaki-clad driver to induce a mule, drawing what 
appeared to be a load of laundry, through the gate- 
way of a local hospital, afforded considerable amuse- 
ment to the doughboys who were watching the pro- 
ceedings. The mule would do anything but pass 
through the gateway. 

"Want any 'elp, chum?" shouted one of the boys 
to the driver, as he rested a moment. 

"No," replied the driver, "but I'd like to know 
how the devil Noah got two of these blighters into 
the Ark!" 

CLARK STREET ENGLISH 

American tourists who are shaky as to their French 
have often been embarrassed by the voluble replies 
which their carefully studied phrases bring forth 
from French lips. Just now the tables are frequently 
turned, and the Frenchman or woman is puzzled by 
the fluent American vernacular. An example: 

Yankee Trooper — "Parly-voo English, madem- 
oiselle?" 

French Maid — "Yes, a vairl leetle." 



10 FUNNY STORIES 

Yankee Trooper — "Good work! Say, could you 
put me wise where I could line up against some good 
eats in this burg?" 

HIS MASTER'S VOICE 

Captain (sharply) — "Button up that coat." 
Married Recruit (absently) — "Yes, my dear." 



ELEGY WRITTEN IN A BELGIAN 
DOORYARD 

The Crown Prince mourns the passing of "The Day," 
The low-down herd winds back to Germany. 
The loot-squad homeward plods its swagless way, 
And leaves the world to Peace and Victory. 

Now fades the glimmering Weltmacht on the sight, 
.And all the air a solemn stillness holds, 
,Save where the Kaiser wheels his bonehead flight, 
And frowsy princelings streak for distant folds. 

Save that from Nauen's undismantled tower 
The moping Hun does to the Yanks complain 
Of such as, having tasted of his power, 
Decline to load him up with grub again. 

Beneath those powdered walls, that abri's shade, 
Where blasted dug-outs hide a mouldering heap, 
Each in his nameless hole forever laid, 
The Kultur-spreaders of the Rhineland sleep. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 11 

For them no more the Louvain fires shall burn, 
Or strafing Zepp'lins ply their evening care ; 
No Yank machine-guns shall their fire return, 
Or Anzac bayonets drive them from their lair. 

Oft did the poilu sweep them from the field, 
Their line full oft the stubborn English broke : 
How frantic did they to the doughboys yield ! 
How bowed their ranks to Foch's giant stroke ! 

Now let Derision mock their fiendish toil. 
Their swinish joys, and destiny obscure; 
Let ransomed Europe, with a peaceful smile, 
Collect her war-debts from the vanquished boor. 
— James Pontifex, in The Chicago Tribune. 

WHEN PRESIDENT WILSON LAUGHED 

No doughboy in the charming Champs Elysees 
theater, Paris, laughed harder than President Wilson 
when the "Argonne players" put all officers on the 
gridiron. It was Broadway's own 77th division that 
presented a snappy bill before the dignified peace 
commissioners with the exception of Col. House, who 
was ill. The play was entitled "Annex Revue, 1918." 

Here are some of the sallies at which Mr. Wilson 
laughed : 

"If they don't send me home soon I'll be so full 
of service stripes that I'll look like a zebra. 5 ' 

"I don't mind if they miss me over there, just so 
the Germans miss me over here." 



12 FUNNY STORIES 

"Paris girls — take it from me — they take it from 
you. One girl took my identification tag. She 
thought it was a franc." 

"By the time you pay your insurance and allot- 
ment you owe yourself money." 

The division's song, "They Didn't Think We'd 
Do It, but We Did," will soon be heard on Broadway. 

BEEF, MILK AND BEER 

A cow strayed one day between the German and 
the English trenches. Both sides coveted the cow 
for its milk and meat, but it was sure death to go 
out and get the cow. So the English threw a note 
wrapped around a stone into the German trenches: 
"You throw a mark in the air, we will shoot at it. If 
we hit it, it is our cow. If we miss, we will throw a 
shilling in the air. If you hit it, the cow is yours." 
In a few moments a sign was lifted over the German 
trenches reading "O. K.," and a mark shone in the 
air. But Tommy missed. Then a shilling flashed 
and Fritz missed. Five marks and five shillings 
flashed in the air and all were missed. Finally the 
sixth mark flashed and Tommy "scored." Up came 
a sign from the German trenches: "Cow is yours, 
but we want our marks." So Tommy went out, 
picked up the shillings and marks and carried the 
marks over to the German trenches. "Good shot," 
came from a Teuton. "Here is some beer for you," 
and out came six bottles of beer, which Tommy took 
over to the English lines — with the cow ! 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS IS 

TOO BAD SHE HADN'T MORE SONS 

Two men riding in a street car were talking about 
the war. "Well, how much longer do you think this 
thing will last?" asked one of the men of his friend. 
"Pretty hard to tell," was the answer. "But as for 
me it can go right on for years. I'm making big 
money out of it all right." And he looked it! 

A well-dressed middle-aged woman sat next to the 
man who had just spoken and, as he finished his 
speech, she took off her gloves, stood up and hit the 
man a stinging blow across his face. "That is for 
my boy in France," she said; and before he could 
recover she hit him another one, and added: "And 
that is for my other boy who is about to sail." 

Then she sat down, while the red-faced man looked 
about at a earful of people whose approving glances 
of the woman's act led him to feel that he had better 
leave the car. — Ladies* Home Journal, 

WHY HE GOT THIRTY DAYS 

Everything was ready for kit inspection ; the re- 
cruits stood lined up ready for the officer, and the 
officer had his bad temper all complete. He marched 
up and down the line, grimly eyeing each man's 
bundle of needles and soft soap, and then he singled 
out Private MacTootle as the man who was to re- 
ceive his attentions. 

"Tooth-brush ?" he roared. 

"Yes, sir." 



14 FUNNY STORIES 

"Razor?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Hold-all?" 

"Yes, sir." 

"Hm ! You're all right, apparently," growled the 
officer. Then he barked : 

"Housewife?" 

"Oh, very well, thank you," said the recruit amia- 
bly. "How's yours?" 



TIME TO SWEAR OFF 

A British officer who was inspecting the line in 
Flanders came across a raw-looking yeoman. 

"What are you here for?" asked the officer. 

"To report anything unusual, sir." 

"What would you call unusual ? What would you 
do if you saw five battle cruisers steaming across the 
field?" 

"Take the pledge, sir." 

THE CHOCOLATE SOLDIERS 

A negro drill sergeant was addressing a squad of 
colored "rookies" under him. He said: "I wants 
you niggers to understan' dat you is to car'y out all 
o'ders giben on de risin' reflection ob de final word 
ob comman'. Now when we's passin' dat reviewin' 
stan', at de comman' 'Eyes Right!' I wants to hear 
ever' nigger's eyeballs click." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 15 

NO FOOTSTEPS IN THE AIR 

Dear Old Lady — "I suppose you'll follow in your 
father's footsteps when you grow up?" 



ner s iootsteps wnen you 
'I can't; he's an airman." 



CHICKEN FEED ON BROADWAY 

TKe very prosperous-looking gentleman stopped 
and permitted the very pretty girl to fasten a carna- 
tion in his buttonhole. Then he handed her a quarter. 

"What is this for?" he asked. 

"You have fed a Belgian baby," was the reply. 

"Nonsense," said the other, adding a $5 bill to his 
contribution, "you can't do it. Here, take this, and 
buy a regular meal for the baby." 

THIS WAS IN ENGLAND 

Binks — "Ah, what a loss I have suffered in the 

death of my mother-in-law !" 

Jinks — "She meant a good deal' to you?" 

Binks — "Yes ; she was a vegetarian, and gave us 

her meat-card. " 

VERY LADYLIKE 

This story is from London: A young woman in 
khaki uniform and cap met a Scotch kilty. She 
saluted. He curtsied. 

HE DROPS 'INTO POETRY 

Frank Proudf oot Jarvis has been at the Front with 
the First Canadian Mounted Rifles for three years, 



16 FUNNY STORIES 

and his sense of humor and the joy of life still sur- 
vive. In a letter dated, "Somewhere in Mud, 17th 
of Ireland," he writes to his brother, Paul Jarvis, of 
New York: 

"Dear Old Top: 

"I had expected to be in gay (?) Paree on fur- 
lough at this time, swinging down the Boys de 
Belogne with girls de Belogne on each arm, but this 
is postponed till April. The papers say that von 
Hindy has ordered dinner for himself and the Crown 
Prince on April Fools' day, and, if we meet, there 
will be a sound of deviltry by night and a Waterloo 
that will cause the princelet to wireless his dad : 

" 'Of all sad words of tongue or pen, 

The saddest are these, we're "soaked" again.' 

"However that may be, here I am sitting in a 
shed, with a sheepskin over my shoulders, looking 
like a lady — but not smelling like one. Fritz is act- 
ing rather nasty, sending us his R. S. V. P.'s by the 
air-line, arid we reply P. D. Q., and the 'wake' is a 
howling success as the big bulls and the little terriers 
'barcarole.' And speaking of wakes, I was awake 
myself the other night in my hut and the Gothas 
were whirring overhead and Fritz pulling the string 
every now and then. It was pitch-dark and a big 
Bertha had just shaken all creation, when I over- 
heard two 'blimeys' fanning buckwheat while they 
hunted a shell-hole. 

"'Where are yer, Bill?' asked one. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS IT 

" 'I'm 'ere,' says Bill. 

" 'Where's 'ere ?' says his pal. 

"'Ow the blinkin' 'ell do I know where 'ere is?' 
says Bill. 

"Just then Fritz put one alongside of my hut and 
snuffed out all the candles, but thanks to the good 
old soft mud — and how we have cussed that mud ! — 
I am writing to you, Old Top, tonight. I expect to 
be on the hike again in a day or so, I know not where 
and I do not care. All places look alike to this old 
kid. They can set me down in a field of mud and 
inside of forty-eight hours I have got a home fit 
for a prince, or a ground-hog — sometimes I am liv- 
ing several feet under ground and other times I am 
living in a tent, a hut, a stable, barn, shed, and, 
when in luck, in some deserted chateau." 

Jarvis, lying on his back looking up at a twinkling 
star through a hole in the roof seems to have started 
a train of verse in his brain, for he writes : 

"I got to cogitating about a lot of things, and 
for the first time in my life I found rimes running 
through what I am pleased to call my mind. So, I 
lighted my dip and jotted down the enclosed dog- 
gerel. They say it is a bad sign when a man starts 
to write poetry, but I don't for a moment think any- 
one would call this by that name or that I shall even 
be acclaimed a Backyard Kipling. Besides, as I 
flourish under the sobriquet 'Bully Beef,' owing to 
my major-general proportions, I am certainly no 
Longfellow. But here it is, such as it is : 



18 FUNNY STORIES 

WHERE DO I SLEEP NEXT? 

I've slept in cradles, 

I've slept in arms, 
I was a baby then — 

Unconscious of war's alarms. 

I've slept on the prairie 

Shooting the duck and the goose, 
I've slept in the bush 

Hunting the elk and the moose. 

I've slept on steamboats 
With my bed on the deck, 

And I've slept in church 
With a kink in my neck. 

I've slept in fields, 

Under the stars, 
And I've slept on trains 

In old box cars. 

I've slept in beds 

Of purple and gold, 
I've slept out in Flanders 

In the mud and the cold. 

I've slept in dugouts 

With the rat and the louse, 

And I've slept in France 
In a fairly good house. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 19 

I've slept in barns 

On beds of straw, 
I've slept in sheds 

Wi nae bed at a'. 

I'm sleeping now 

On a stretcher of wire, 
And I pray my last sleep 

Will be near a fire. • 

I'm tired of the wet, 

The mud, and the cold, 
And I won't be sorry 

When I sleep in the Fold. 

" 'Taps,' Bon swear, 
"As usual, 

"HUMBLEHOOF." 

THIS PLEASED THE COLONEL 

The sergeant halted the new sentry opposite the 
man he was to relieve. 

"Give over your orders," he said. 

The old sentry reeled off the routine instructions 
with confidence, but one of the special orders baffled 
him. 

"Come on, man!" said the sergeant impatiently. 

"On no account," stammered the sentry, "are you 
to let any questionable character pass the lines, except 
the colonel's wife." 



20 FUNNY STORIES 

DID THE CHAPLAIN SWEAR? 

Recently, during the operations of the British 
Egyptian expeditionary force in Palestine, a town 
to the south of Beersheba was captured, and in it 
was discovered a splendid example of mosaic pave- 
ment. 

The excavation of it was placed in charge of a 
chaplain, and while the work was proceeding some 
human bones were discovered. 

Elated at the find, the padre immediately wired to 
great headquarters, saying: 

"Have found the bones of saint." 

Shortly after the reply came back: 

"Unable to trace Saint in casualty list. Obtain 
particulars of regimental number and regiment from 
his identity disk." 

ONE SWEET KISS LOST 

Before introducing Lieutenant de Tassan, aid to 
General Joffre, and Colonel Fabry, the "Blue Devil 
of France," Chairman Spencer, of the St. Louis en- 
tertainment committee, at the M. A. A. breakfast 
told this anecdote : 

"In Washington Lieutenant de Tassan was ap- 
proached by a pretty American girl, who said : 

" 'And did you kill a German soldier?' 

" 'Yes,' he replied. 

" 'With what hand did you do it?' she inquired. 

" 'With this right hand,' he said. 

"And then the pretty American girl seized his right 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 21 

hand and kissed it. Colonel Fabry stood near by. 
He strode over and said to Lieutenant de Tassan : 

" 'Heavens, man, why didn't you tell the young 
lady you bit him to death?' " 

A COINCIDENCE OF WAR 

The commandant of one of the great French army 
supply depots was busy one morning. He was a man 
of forty ; a colonel in the regular French army. He 
was talking to an American colonel when an erect, 
sturdy-looking man with white hair and mustache 
and who wore the single star of a subaltern on his 
sleeve came up, saluted, delivered a message and then 
asked : 

"Are there any more orders, sir?" 

When he was told that there were none he brought 
his heels together with a click, saluted again and went 
away. 

The commandant turned to the American with a 
peculiar smile on his face and asked : 
• "Do you know who that man is?" 

"No," was the reply. 

"That is my father," was the answer. 

The father w r as then exactly seventy-two years 
old. He was a retired business man when the war 
broke out. After two years of the heroic struggle he 
decided that he couldn't keep out of it. He was too 
old to fight, but after long insistence he secured a 
commission. By one of the many curious coin- 



22 FUNNY STORIES 

cidences of war he was assigned to serve under his 
son. 

GERMAN PAPERS, PLEASE NOTE 

The following is posted on the door of a deserted 
cabin in Coos County, Oregon : 
"To whom it may concern : 

"There's potatoes in the wood-shed, 
There's flour in the bin, 
There's beans a-plenty in the cupboard, 

To waste them is a sin. 
Go to it neighbor if you're hungry ! 

Fill up while you've a chance, 
For I'm going after the Kaiser, 
Somewhere over in France. 

"L. A. Johnson, 
"Alias, Charley the Trapper." 

UNANIMOUS 

We should like to print this story in letters of 
gold, says the London Tit-Bits. It is of a colonel on 
the British front who wanted twenty men to face 
almost certain death. 

He called the whole company together and made 
the situation clear to them. Then he asked for 
twenty volunteers to advance one pace. He loved his 
men, and it was almost more than he could bear. He 
closed his eyes to keep back his tears, and when he 
opened them the men stood in exactly the same forma- 
tion. He was pained. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 23 

"Is there not one volunteer?" he asked. 
A sergeant stepped forward at salute. "Every one 
has advanced one pace, sir," he said. 

PA WAS THE GENERAL 

The young subaltern, who was a son of a general 
and never omitted to rub in that fact, was taking a 
message from the general to the gunners. 

"If you please," he said to the major, "father says 
will you move your guns." The major was in an 
irate mood. "Oh !" he rejoined, "and what the blazes 
does your mother say?" 

TOUGH ON GOMPERS 

Kerensky kissed Arthur Henderson, the British 
labor politician, as the American Labor Mission calls 
him, and all England gasped. Kerensky is coming 
to this country. He may want to kiss Secretary Wil- 
son or even President Wilson. This has led an 
anonymous poet to suggest that the President put 
his greetings into a song, and to furnish him with 
the song, as follows : 

"Salute me only with thy fist, 

And don't attempt to buss me ; 
The very thought of being kissed 

Is quite enough to fuss me. 
If you must kiss, try it on Gompers — 
He hasn't been kissed since he wore rompers." 



24 FUNNY STORIES 

HAD THE RIGHT DOPE 

The mare things the draft officials do to baseball 
here the better it flourishes in London, according to 
Richard Hatteras, of that thriving community, who 
was recently in New York. Mr. Hatteras says the 
game is getting a firm hold on every nationality in 
the British capital. 

"Why, recently," quoth he, "I saw a game in 
which East Indians were playing. One of these ap- 
proached the plate at a crucial moment and cried 
aloud : 

" 'Allah, give thou me strength to make a hit.' 

"He struck out. 

"The next man up was an Irishman. He spat on 
the plate, made faces at the pitcher, and yelled : 

" 'You know me, Al !' He made a home-run." 

TELL THIS NOT IN BOSTON 

An American boy had his first experience in the 
first line of trenches under fire, and an American 
woman met him. 

"Well, boy," asked the woman, "what was it like? 
Pretty awful experience, wasn't it?" 

"Awful?" grinned the Sammee. "Funniest thing 
you ever saw." 

"Funny?" echoed the woman, amazed. "Why, 
what in the world do you mean?" 

"Those beans ! Why " and he went off into a 

gale of laughter. "Of course you don't know. But 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 25 

cook had made an enormous pot of beans for the 
boys and, say, they did smell some good. But they 
were too hot and so cook put them on the edge of the 
trench to cool off. Just then the Germans let go some 
shells and one hit that pot square. And it didn't do 
anything to those beans. Honestly, ma'am, it simply 
rained beans for an hour !" 

THE MESSAGE WAS SOBER, ANYHOW 

General Sir Henry Rawlinson, Sir Douglas Haig's 
"right-hand man," is rather fond of relating a story 
concerning a major who, sent to inspect an outlying 
fort, found the commander intoxicated. He im- 
mediately locked him up ; but the bibulous one man- 
aged to escape, and, making his way to the nearest 
telegraph office, dispatched the following message to. 
no less a personage than the colonial secretary: 
"Man here, named — — , questions my sobriety. Wire 
to avert bloodshed." 

HE HADN'T FINISHED 

They had brought him in very carefully, the 
husky but femininely gentle stretcher bearers, for he 
was nothing but a kid after all, with a complexion 
like a girl's and with pathetically pleading eyes. He 
was crying in his hospital bed when the correspondent 
came across him and stopped to investigate. 

"Are you in great pain?" the newspaper man 
sympathetically asked. 



26 FUNNY STORIES 

The lad looked into the other's eyes and nodded 
with a choking sob. 

"Where does it hurt ?" the correspondent pursued. 

"It ain't that," was the reply; "it's because they 
yanked me out of the scrap when I still had ten rounds 
left." 

THE OOZING OF THE GOONS 

Negro Sergeant— "When I say ' 'Bout face !' you 
place de toe of yo' right foot six inches to de reah 
of de heel of yo' left foot and jus' ooze aroun'." 

SHE WAS IN UNIFORM 

First Officer (in spasm of jealousy) — "Who's the 
knock-kneed chap with your sister, old man?" 
Second Officer — "My other sister." 

NO CHALLENGING OUT OF HIS GLASS 

Sergeant (surprising sentry) — "Why didn't you 
challenge that man who just passed?" 

Newest Recruit — "Why, that's Kayo Hogan, 
sergeant, and he's got all o' ten pounds on me!" 

GALLING HIM SISSY? 

The Fag — "Oh, I'd go to the war quick enough, 
but mother wouldn't like me to ; and I've never dis- 
appointed her since the day I was born." 

The Snag — "Well, if she was hoping for a 
daughter, I'm sure you've done your best to console 
her." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 27 

HOW DISAPPOINTED HE'LL BE 

Scotch Warrior from Palestine (whose baby is 
about to be christened, and who has a bottle of Jor- 
dan water for the purpose) — "Eh, by the way, 
meenister, I ha'e brocht this bottle " 

Minister — "No' the noo, laddie ! After the cere- 
mony I'll be verra pleased !" 

AMERICAN HUMOR IN FRANCE 

The sense of humor of the American is a joy to 
the French, who miss this quality sadly in the Eng- 
lish. A young French woman was conducting two 
young American officers around Versailles. When 
they got in the park the French girl said : "Do you 
know that the French have a pretty saying, 'The 
smaller the ivy leaf, the dearer the love ?' So I want 
each one of you to find the tiniest leaf possible and 
send it to the one that's waiting at home." The men 
set out, and the first man came back with a perfectly 
enormous leaf, which he told the girl he had plucked 
for his mother-in-law ! The second officer came back 
with a leaf even larger and, when asked what loved 
one was to have that tiny leaf, he said : "Why, this is 
for the Kaiser!" 

SNOBBERY SQUELCHED 

On seeing the haughty aristocrat about to disturb 
a seriously wounded soldier, the Red Cross nurse in 
charge interposed. 



28 FUNNY STORIES 

"Excuse me, madam," she said, "but " 

She was rudely interrupted by Lady Snobleigh, 
who cried : 

"Woman, you forget yourself. I'm very particu- 
lar to whom I speak." 

"Oh," quietly answered the nurse, "that is where 
we differ. I'm not !" 

BLASTED HOPES 

"Where is the new recruit ?" 

"Well, sir, since he went, an hour or two ago, to 
sew on a button with guncotton, no one seems to 
have seen anything of him." 

PROFITABLE AUTHORSHIP 

The Girl — "And can you manage on your army 
pay, Phil?" 

The "Sub"— "Hardly ; but I do a bit of writing 
besides." 

The Girl— "What kind of writing?" 

The "Sub"— "Oh, letters to the guv'nor!" 

THE "LONG, LONG TRAIL" OVER THERE 

Paris, Nov., 1918. — In the logging camps and saw- 
mills, in barracks and on the drill grounds, in camps 
and on the march, in "Y" and Red Cross huts, at all 
hours of the day and night, wherever in France the 
Yank crusaders were at work, I have heard these lines 
sung, hummed, and whistled : 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 29 

"There's a long, long trail a-winding 

Into the land of my dreams, 
Where the nightingales are singing 

And a white moon beams. 
There's a long, long night of waiting 

Until my dreams all come true, 
Till the day when I'll be going down 

That long, long trail with you." 

Wherever a piano found its way into the Ameri- 
can lines someone was sure to be playing this chorus ; 
and, dodging in and out of a convoy along the rutted 
and winding hillside roads in the zone of operations, 
in drizzle and mud and low flung clouds, one was cer- 
tain to hear some camion load of lusty doughboys 
going to the "Long Trail." 

But it remained for H. A. Rodeheaver, Billy Sun- 
day's trombone expert, to put a new touch to it. He 
put the "longing" into the long trail with a dash of 
Sundayesqueness that smeared sawdust all over the 
long trail. 

"Rodey," as the soldiers call him, has been singing 
his way through the American camps in France and 
emulating his picturesque master, when opportunity 
afforded, by laying down a metaphorical "sawdust 
trail" and inviting the boys to hit it again in their 
hearts. 

It was quite remarkable how many hands went up 
in every camp and barracks and hut when he asked 
them how many had attended a Sunday revival back 



80 FUNNY STORIES 

home. Then he started singing the songs they heard 
at these meetings, usually beginning with "Brighten 
the Corner Where You Are." 

He has just the quality of voice that got down 
deep over here, when the night was dark and damp 
and the dim light but half illuminated the place, and 
the boys naturally were letting their thoughts fly 
back home. They warmed up to him, for he's a good 
scout, according to their way of thinking, and the 
first thing they knew he was asking them to call for 
any song they would like to hear. About the first 
voice that responded called for the "Long, Long 
Trail." 

"All right, men," he said, with a sincere smile, and 
his magnetic face, beneath the wavy black hair, 
seemed to exude a hypnotic fascination. He nodded 
to his pianist and they started. The barracks, or 
hut, or camp resounded with the "Long Trail." 

"Fine, fine," beamed Rodey from the rough board 
platform. "You know, men, that's a mighty fine 
piece of music. Let's sing it again; now, all 
together," and the sound swells a little higher this 
time. 

"Once more," and Rodey waved his arm in lieu of 
a baton. 

The sea of faces brightened perceptibly, even 
under the dim lights. 

"Now, men," said Rodey, "just sing that chorus 
over again and I'll try the trombone." 

That trombone did the business. Rodey gets e 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 31 

sort of combination alto and tenor harmony out of 
that old trombone that brings the home folks right 
into the meeting. 

"Now, men, once more, very softly," and he played 
the harmony plaintively and fetchingly. 

He's got 'em, and the moment has arrived for 
sprinkling the sawdust. 

"Before we go on with our little program, men," 
he said, "let us just bow our heads for a minute in 
prayer and ask God to help us make the good fight, 
help us to do the work we came over here to do like 
men." The men bowed their heads and he added: 

"Just before we ask God's blessing on these brave 
men, if there is a boy out there who feels that he has 
not been living quite as he knows his mother would 
like to have him live, if there is a boy out there who 
feels in an especial way the need of God's help at 
this hour, will he please raise his hand." 

The place was very still. A hand went up way in 
the back. 

"Yes," Rodey said. "God bless you, boy." 

Then another and another, and soon scores of 
hands were held up, while they had their heads bowed. 

Then Rodey prayed one of those conversational 
prayers, and he made it a personal appeal for each 
one of the boys whose hands had gone up. 

It was not Rodey's plan to send the boys back to 
their barracks with only seriousness and longing in 
their heads. He's one of the most adroit handlers of 
an audience in Europe. He'd got the main idea 



32 FUNNY STORIES 

planted and now he broke into smiles and there was 
an infectious laugh in his voice. 

He was again talking to red-blooded men who 
were going out to fight. So he told a few corking 
stories, humorous but clean, and got down to them 
instead of talking over them. He was one of 'em. 
He wanted to send them away with a good taste in 
their mouths. 

Dunbar's "When Melinda Sings" he does to per- 
fection. Once in awhile he pulls the "Hunk o' Tin" 
parody on the Kipling poem. 

Then they sing some more, both democratic music 
and old hymns, and finally they all stand up, after 
he has launched a two-minute patriotic talk that 
thrills, and sing "The Star-Spangled Banner." 

Rodey never has a set program. He sizes up each 
new audience with a glance and in two minutes knows 
about what line of entertainment he ought to give 
them. If it's a crowd that likes good stories, they 
get it. If it is a meeting that likes a Bible talk, they 
get that, and the great Sunday himself hasn't much 
on his pupil in that line. But he never lets a crowd 
get away with a solemn face. He leads them up the 
hill and down the hill, and finally sends them back 
to the blankets feeling refreshed, inspirited, and 
cheerful. 

And when Rodey hit a camp of Negro troops — 
man, O man ! what he did to them ! 

He thinks the war has been a holy war, a war of 
crusaders against the terrible Huns, and wants them 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 33 

beaten to a standstill. He insists on the knockout 
punch, and believes the world will be a better world 
for everybody after Fritz and his gang have been 
completely chastized. — Charles N. Wheeler, in 
The Chicago Tribune. 

HIS OWN PERSONAL WAR 

General Leonard Wood tells the story of a captain 
to whom was assigned a new orderly, a fresh recruit. 
"Your work will be to clean my boots, buttons, belt, 
and so forth, shave me, see to my horse, which you 
must groom thoroughly, and clean the equipment. 
After that you go to your hut, help to serve the 
breakfast, and after breakfast lend a hand washing 
up. At eight o'clock you go on parade and drill till 
twelve o'clock " 

"Excuse me, sir," broke in the recruit, "is there 
anyone else in the army besides me?" 

WHEN TOMMY LAUGHS 

There are many bright lines in the soldiers' letters 
home, as Punch and other papers note. 

"A clergyman recently gave a lecture on 'Fools' 
at the 'hut' back of our station," writes a boy from 
the Somme. "The tickets of admission were in- 
scribed, 'Lecture on Fools. Admit one.' There was 
a large audience." 

And from Calais comes this: 

"You will note with interest and tell the shirkers 



34 FUNNY STORIES 

they're missing something here. The 'G' came off the 
big sign east of the station here and we now read: 
'The only English love makers in the city.' " 

ONE OF THOSE IRISH BULLS 

The recruit from Ireland spent his leave in Eng- 
land. Asked on his return to the front what he 
thought of the place, he said : 

"Faith, London is a great city; but it's no place 
for a poor man unless he has plenty of money." 

WHEN GERMANY SALUTED A PIG 

A Belgian farmer saved his bacon in an unusual 
way. He heard that the Germans were coming, so 
he killed and dressed his one pig, cleaned it, put it 
into his bed with only a part of the underface ex- 
posed, and put a lighted candle at each side of the 
bed. When the Germans arrived an officer entered 
the house, went into the room, saw what he believed 
to be a member of the family laid out for burial, 
saluted and went out ! 

AND SO IT PROVED 

Arthur Train, the novelist, put down a German 
newspaper at the Century Club, in New York, with 
an impatient grunt. 

"It says here," he explained, "that it is Germany 
who will speak the last word in this war." 

Then the novelist laughed angrily and added : 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 35 

"Yes, Germany will speak the last word in the 
war, and that last word will be 'Kamerad !' " 

WASHINGTON GETS THESE, TOO 

They have some exceptional letters in the London 
"Family Separation" office, which looks after the 
families of soldiers at the front. These are all actual 
letters received: 

"Dear Sir — You have changed my little boy into 
a little girl. Will it make any difference? 
"Respectfully yours, 



"My Bill has been put in charge of a spittoon. 
Will I get more pay ?" ["Platoon" was meant. ] 

"I am glad to tell you that my husband has been 
reported dead." 

"If I don't get my husband's money soon I shall 
be compelled to go on the streets and lead an Imortal 
life." 

"Dear Sir — In accordance with instructions on 
paper, I have given birth to a daughter last week. 
"Truly yours, 



BLACK MAGIC 

"Yes, sah," said one negro, "a friend of mine who 
knows all about it says dis heah man Edison has done 
gone and invented a magnetized bullet dat can't miss 
a German, kase ef dere's one in a hundred yards de 



36 FUNNY STORIES 

bullet is drawn right smack against his steel helmet. 
Yes, sah, an' he's done invented another one with a 
return attachment. Whenever dat bullet don't hit 
nothin' it comes right straight back to de American 
lines." 

"Dat's what I call inventin'," exclaimed his colored 
listener. "But how about dem comin'-back bullets? 
What do dey do to keep 'em from hittin' ouah men 
when dey come back?" 

"Well, Mr. Edison made 'em so he's got 'em 
trained. You don't s'pose he'd let 'em kill any Ameri- 
cans, do you? No, sah. He's got 'em fixet so's dey 
j es' ease back down aroun' de gunner's feet an' sort 
o' say : 'Dey's all dead in dat trench, boss. Send me 
to a live place where I'se got a chancet to do some- 
thin'.' " 

SUCH EXCUSES AS THEY MAKE 

A soldier was brought up for stealing his trench 
bunkie's liquor. 

"I'm sorry, sor," he said. "But I put the liquor 
for the two of us in the same bottle. Mine was at the 
bottom, an' I was obliged to drink his to get mine." 

HE HAD TROUBLES, TOO 

At a church adjacent to a big military camp a 
service was recently held for soldiers only. 

"Let all you brave fellows who have troubles stand 
up," shouted the preacher. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 37 

Instantly every man rose except one. 

"Ah !" exclaimed the preacher, peering at this lone 
individual. "You are one in a thousand." 

"It ain't that," piped back the only man who had 
remained seated, as the rest of his comrades gazed 
suspiciously at him. "Somebody's put some cob- 
bler's wax on the seat, and I'm stuck." 

WHAT GOULD HE MEAN? 

An army chaplain was trudging along a hot, dusty 
road with a company of soldiers. As they stopped to 
rest and to get a drink of water at a farm house the 
farmer's wife said to the chaplain : 

"You go everywhere the soldiers go, I suppose?" 
"No, ma'am," answered the preacher, "not every- 
where ; only in this world." 

NEVER MIND THE TARGET 

The subject of rifle shooting often crops up at 
one of the training camps. 

"I'll bet anyone here a box of cigars," said Lieut. 
A., "that I can fire twenty-one shots at £00 yards and 
tell without waiting for the marker the result of each 
one correctly." 

"Done !" cried Maj . B. And the whole mess turned 
out early the next morning to witness the experi- 
ment. 

The lieutenant fired. 

"Miss !" he announced calmly. 



38 FUNNY STORIES 

\ 

Another shot. 

"Miss !" he repeated. 

A third shot. 

"Miss!" 

"Here, hold on !" put in Maj. B. "What are you 
trying to do? You're not firing for the target !" 

"Of course not !" was the cool response. "I'm firing 
for those cigars !" 

A LADY FROM HELL 

Two "kilties" from the same town met in a rest 
camp "somewhere in France" and started exchang- 
ing confidences. 

"Whit like a sendoff did yer wuman gie ye, Sandy, 
when ye left for France ?" asked Jock presently. 

Sandy lit a fresh cigaret before he replied frankly : 

"Says she, 'Noo, there's yer train, Sandy ; in ye 
get, an' see an' do yer duty. By jingo, ma mannie, 
if I thocht ye wed shirk it oot yonder I wud see ye 
was wounded afore ye gang off.' That's the sendoff 
she gaed me, Jock." 

THEORY VS. FACT 

United States Senator Howard Sutherland, of 
West Virginia, tells a story about a mountain youth 
who visited a recruiting office in the Senator's State 
for the purpose of enlisting in the regular army. 
The examining physician found the young man as 
sound as a dollar, but that he had flat feet. 



\ 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 39 

"I'm sorry," said the physician, "but I'll have to 
turn you down. You've got flat feet." 

The mountaineer looked sorrowful. "No way for 
me to git in it, then ?" he inquired. 

"I guess not. With those flat feet of yours you 
wouldn't be able to march even five miles." 

The youth from the mountains studied a moment. 
Finally he said: "I'll tell you why I hate this so 
darned bad. You see, I walked nigh on to one hun- 
dred and fifty miles over the mountains to git here, 
and gosh, how I hate to walk back !" 

ONWARD, CHRISTIAN SOLDIER! 

Two men went to the Y. M. C. A. director in one 
of the camps and said that they were in the habit of 
kneeling down and saying their prayers at home. 
What ought they to do here? 

"Try it out," was the advice. 

They did ; the second night two others in the bar- 
racks j oined them ; the third night a few more ; grad- 
ually the number increased until considerably more 
than half the men resumed the habit of childhood 
and knelt by their cots in prayer before turning in. 

A company captain in one of the cantonments the 
first evening his men stood at attention for retreat 
said : "Men, this is a serious business we are engaged 
in ; it is fitting that we should pray about it." There 
and then this Plattsburg Reserve officer made a sim- 
ple and earnest prayer for the divine blessing upon 
their lives and their work. The impression upon the 



40 FUNNY STORIES 

men was described as tremendous. Such incidents 
indicate the general spirit of the new armies. 

WHO WAS THE JOKE ON? 

They are telling the story in London taprooms of 
a German soldier who laughed uproariously all the 
time he was being flogged. When the officer, at the 
end, inquired the cause of the private's mirth, the 
latter broke into a fresh fit of laughter and cried: 

"Why, I'm the wrong man !" 

REAL YANKEE LANGUAGE 

A French soldier who came proudly up to an 
American in a certain headquarters town the other 
day asked: 

"You spik French?" 

"Nope," answered the American, "not yet." 

The Frenchman smiled complacently. 

"Aye spik Eengleesh," he said. The American 
grinned and the Frenchman looked about for some 
means to show his prowess in the foreign tongue. At 
that moment a French girl, very neat and trim in 
her peaked hat, long coat, and high laced boots, came 
along. The Frenchman jerked his head toward her, 
looked knowingly at the American, and said triumph- 
antly: "Chicken." 

The American roared. 

"Shake," he said, extending his hand. "You don't 
speak English ; you speak American." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 41 

DAMN THE KAISER 

The grit of the British Tommy is amazing, as told 
by a Swiss correspondent who found himself with 
fourteen soldiers in a barn. A huge German shell 
suddenly "found" the barn in the very center and 
wrecked it. It was pitch dark ; the Swiss was seriously 
wounded and decided to lay still until help should 
come. Suddenly a voice spoke out of the dark : 

"Anyone left here?" 

"Right here, old chap," came an answer. 

"Ah." Then silence, and in a few moments came : 
"Say, old man, think you could give me a bit of a 
lift. Seems both of my pins are gone." 

"Sorry, old chap," came the answer. "Wish I 
could, but they found both of my hands." 

"Oh," came the answer. Then, after a pause: 
"That's a bit inconvenient, isn't it?" 

"Somewhat," was the reply. 

After a few moments : 

"Hell of a rumpus, wasn't it?" 

"Yes, quite." 

"Well," came the final word, "someone will come 
along and find us." 

And "someone" did 

FUN FOR THE MISSUS 

A padre passing up and down among the wounded 
at a field hospital asked a wounded Jock whether he 
would like to dictate a letter home. The Jock as- 



42 FUNNY STORIES 

sented. Thereupon the minister prepared to take 
down the letter, but found Jock tongue-tied and 
unable to begin. 

"Come along, now !" said the padre kindly. "We 
must make a start. What shall I say?" 

No reply. 

"Shall I begin 'My Dear Wife?"' 

"Ay," said Jock, "pit that doon. That'll amuse 
her!" 

GERMAN RESTITUTION 

"Any restitution Germany offers to the Allies will 
be offered, you may be sure, in the spirit of Griggs." 

The speaker was Edward Hungerford, the adver- 
tising expert. 

"Griggs and Miggs," he went on, "were kidnaped 
by bandits and shut up in a cave. 

" 'They'll take every cent we've got on us,' moaned 
Miggs. 'Every blessed cent.' 

" 'They will, eh ?' said Griggs, thoughtfully. 

" 'They sure will.' 

"Griggs peeled a ten-spot from his roll. 

" 'Here, Miggs,' he said, 'here is that ten dollars 
I've been owin' you for so long.' " 

BUT DID CHARLEY TELL IT? 

"Charley, dear," said young Mrs. Torkins, "I have 
thought up a witticism for you to tell at the club." 
"Do I have to tell it?" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 43 

"Of course not. But you'll miss a great chance 
if you don't. It's this: Baseball players ought to 
be put into the navy instead of the army. Go on ; 

ask me 'Why?'" 
"Why?" 
"So that they can steal submarine bases." 

LONG-DISTANCE FAREWELL 

The word came that a company of soldiers in an 
Eastern camp would leave the next morning on a 
transport for France. One soldier came from Port- 
land, Ore. Quickly he went to the public telephone 
pay station and put in a call for his mother. For an 
hour he paced back and forth before that booth, and 
then came the word "Portland is on the wire." Slowly 
but impressively this boy in khaki dropped one hun- 
dred 25-cent pieces in the slot, and for a precious five 
minutes that boy heard his mother's voice and she 
heard the good-by of her boy. Then, dripping wet 
from the nervous strain, he ran for his barracks to 
get ready for France and the trenches. 

NINE GIRLS TOO MANY 

He was a strikingly handsome figure in his uni- 
form as he started out upon his round of farewell 
calls. 

"And you'll think of me every single minute when 
you're in those stupid old trenches?" questioned the 
sweet young thing upon whom he first called. 



44 FUNNY STORIES 

He nodded emphatically. "Every minute." 

"And you'll kiss my picture every night?" 

"Twice a night," he vowed rashly, patting the 
pretty head on his shoulder. 

"And write me long, long letters?" she insisted. 

"Every spare minute I have," he reassured her, 
and hurried away to the next name on his list. 

There were ten in all who received his promises. 

When it was over he sighed. "I hope," he mur- 
mured wearily, "there won't be much fighting to do 
'over there.' I'm going to be so tremendously busy." 

WHY NOT BOTH? 

The adjutant was lecturing to the subalterns of 
the battalion. 

"In the field," he said, "it is now incumbent upon 
an officer to make himself look as much like a man as 
possible." 

Everybody laughed. 

"That is, I mean," he explained, "as much like a 
soldier as possible." 

ONLY GOOD GERMANS WERE LEFT 

One of the brightest young business men of Pitts- 
burgh enrolled as a volunteer and by his quick intel- 
ligence soon won an officer's commission. He led his 
troops in the attack on Bouresches, and so hot was the 
fight that a major was sent from headquarters to 
learn the worst. He met the young officer coming 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 45 

out of the town with part of his company. The 
major happened to be a pompous gentleman, well 
known for his egotism. Having no faith in anyone to 
"finish a job," he asked the young officer : 

"What's the condition of Bouresches?" 

"In our hands, sir. I left a detachment to guard 
the town," replied the young officer. 

"Any boches left?" was the next question. 

The young officer hesitated and then said : 

"Yes, sir." 

A lurid interlude followed. "Did not your orders 
from me say that no Germans were to be left there?" 

"Yes, sir," replied the young officer. 

"Then why in hell have you disobeyed my orders, 
hey?" asked the irate major. 

The young Pittsburgher looked the major in the 
eye and replied: "The burying patrol has not ar- 
rived yet, sir." 

A BREEZY RETORT 

The recruiting had been good and the orator of 
the occasion felt well satisfied with himself. It would 
be graceful, he thought, to speak a few concluding 
words to the crowd of men who had dedicated them- 
selves to "king and country." 

"And what will you think when you see the flag 
of the empire standing out from its staff above the 
field of battle ?" the speaker demanded, his face alight 
with patriotic fervor. 



46 FUNNY STORIES 

"Standin' straight out, guv'nor?" a stolid recruit 
questioned earnestly. 

"Why — er — yes!" the orator responded, in some 
confusion. 

"I should think, then," the future Tommy an- 
nounced gravely, "that the wind was blowin' 'ard." 

PATTING MISSOURI ON THE BACK 

We're glad to see that General Foch is studying 
this column for ideas to help speed up the winning of 
the war. A month or so ago we quoted a paragraph 
of Jack Blanton's, advising General Foch that, while 
defensive fighting was all right for awhile, all the 
great battles of the world had been won by the 
armies which took the offensive. Yesterday's papers 
quoted General Foch to the same effect. We've sus- 
pected all along that the unofficial boards of strategy 
in Paris, Mo., and other country towns knew lots 
more about the war-problems than anybody in Paris, 
France, and this proves it. — Kansas City Times. 

YOU CAN'T BEAT SUCH BOYS 

When the lad came to in the shell hole he thought 
at first somebody had emptied a bucket of warm 
water on his face and breast. But it happened to be 
blood from a nasty wound running down his cheek 
and along his chin. He'd not known, naturally, 
when it had happened. A little wabbly, he was reach- 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 47 

ing for his rifle when a field surgeon slid down the 
bank and confronted him. 

"Can you walk ?" he asked. 

"Sure, why not?" was the reply. 

"Why, man, you're wounded!" the surgeon ex- 
claimed. 

The kid's eyes flashed. "No, sir," he said with a 
gory grin ; "I was leaning against the German bar- 
rage when the Huns lifted it and I fell and cut my 
chin. That's all. Please let me stay." 

HOW TO BE FUNNY IN WARTIME 

This subject is discussed by W. H. Berry, an 
actor whose "High Jinks" has been going strong 
with London theater-goers. 

"It is far more necessary for a comedian to get the 
laughs in time of war," says Berry, "and I know that 
many of our comedians have worked their hardest on 
the nights when there was bad news in the papers. 

"There are only a few subjects taboo, but they 
should be shunned absolutely. I object, for example, 
to a joke I heard not long ago about wounded soldiers 
who had to wear glass eyes. I consider such jokes 
offensive in the highest degree. As a wag of my 
acquaintance remarked the other day, 'Some of these 
war jokes are too warful for words.' 

"There are, however, certain subjects allied to the 
war on which I consider it perfectly legitimate to jest. 
There is the censorship. There are our pitchy streets 
at night time. 



48 FUNNY STORIES 

"For instance, I myself have perpetrated 'wheeze- 
lets' on these topics in 'High Jinks,' of which the 
following are fair samples : 

" 'Would you believe it, it's so dark now in Lon- 
don that when I dined at the Carlton the other night 
I had to put luminous paint on my potatoes to stop 
myself putting them in the mouth of the gentleman 
next to me. 

" 'It's so dark that when I go to the opera I take a 
trained glow worm with me. 

"'He's a wealthy man, indeed — he's got a whole 
box of matches in his pocket.' " 

NOW ON A WAR-BASIS 

His Honor^— "Rufus, didn't you hear that you 
had to work or fight ?" 

Rufus — "Yaas, boss, I sho' dun hyer dat. So I 
goes an' gits married right away." 

HUMANITY IN WAR 

During a fierce engagement on the Somme battle- 
field a British officer saw a German officer impaled on 
the barbed wire between the lines, writhing in anguish. 
The fire was heavy, but still the wounded man hung 
there. At last the Englishman could stand it no 
longer. He said quietly: "I can't bear to look at 
that poor chap." He went out under the storm of 
shell fire, released the sufferer, took him on his 
shoulders and carried him to the German trench. The 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 49 

firing ceased. Both sides watched the act with 
wonder. Then the commander in the German trench 
came forward, took from his own bosom the Iron 
Cross, and pinned it on the breast of the British 
officer. 

FLATLY IMPOSSIBLE 

"Yes," said Simpkins, "I want to do my bit, of 
course, so I thought I'd raise some potatoes." 

"Well, I thought I would do that," said Smith, 
"but when I looked up the way to do it I found that 
potatoes have to be planted in hills, and our yard is 
perfectly flat." 

THE FRATERNAL SIDE OF WAR 

Jean is a typical French soldier : alert, daring ; a 
keen, educated youth. He is equally at home with 
the German and the French languages, which ac- 
counts for what follows : 

One dark night, shortly after midnight, Jean — 
on a solitary patrol — was lying just outside the wire, 
about ten meters from the German trench, listening 
%o locate the sentries. There was a faint starlight. 
Suddenly a whisper came from beyond the wire, a low 
voice speaking in broken French : 

"Why do you lie so quiet, my friend? I saw you 
crawl up and have watched you ever since. I don't 
want to shoot you. I am a Bavarian." 

"Good evening, then," Jean whispered back in his 
perfect German. 



50 FUNNY STORIES 

"So," said the sentry, "you speak our language. 
Wait a moment, till I Warn the rest of my squad, and 
I will show you the way through the wire ; there are 
no officers about at this hour." 

Probably not one man in a thousand would have 
taken such a chance, but Jean did, and ten minutes 
later was standing in the trench in a German cloak 
and fatigue cap (in case of passing officers), chatting 
amiably with a much interested group of Bavarian 
soldiers. They gave him beer, showed him their dug- 
outs, and arranged a whistle signal for future visits, 
before bidding him a regretful good night. "We 
are Bavarians," they said; "we like and admire the 
French, and fight only because we must." 

NO TIME TO WASTE 

Two soldiers caused some amusement at a golf 
course the other way. The first man teed up and 
made a mighty swipe, but failed to shift the ball. The 
miss was repeated no fewer than three times. 

His pal was unable to stand it any longer. 

"For heaven's sake, Bill," he broke out, "hit the 
bloomin' thing. You know we have only four days' 
leave." 

HER GENTLE COME-BACK 

She was a sweet young thing, and having come 
down to see her soldier brother, who was on duty at 
that time, she was being taken round by his chum. 
She was, of course, full of questions. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 51 

"Who is that person?" she asked, pointing to a 
color sergeant. 

"Oh ! he shook hands with the king ; that is why he 
is wearing a crown on his arm, you see !" replied the 
truthful man. 

"And who is that?" she asked, seeing a gymnastic 
instructor with a badge of crossed Indian clubs. 

"That is the barber ; do you not see the scissors on 
his arm?" 

Seeing yet another man with cuffs decorated with 
stars, she asked, "And that one?" 

"Oh, he is the battalion astronomer; he guides 
us on night maneuvers !" 

"How interesting!" replied the maiden, when see- 
ing her companion's badge, that of an ancient 
stringed instrument, she asked, "And does that thing 
mean you are the regimental liar?" 

HIS MIND WAS WANDERING 

"Anything I can do for you?" asked a surgeon as 
he passed the bed of a smiling but badly wounded 
soldier. 

"Yes, doctor; perhaps you can tell me something 
I'd very much like to know," answered "Sammie." 

"Fire ahead," replied the doctor. "What is it?" 

"Well, doctor, when one doctor doctors another 
doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor 
the other doctor like the doctor wants to be doctored, 
or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the 



52 FUNNY STORIES 

other doctor like the doctor doing the doctoring 
wants to doctor him?" 

THE SEX OF THE KILTIES 

While some Scottish regiments were disembarking 
in France, several French officers were watching 
them. One observed: "They can't be women, for 
they have mustaches ; but they can't be men, for they 
wear skirts." 

"I have it," said another. "They're that famous 
Middlesex regiment from London." 

PLAY BALL! 

Sing a song of baseball, 

Good old Yankee game; 
Rain or shine, war or peace, 

Play it just the same. 
Out behind the trenches, 

Swat the little pill, 
Helps to boost the spirit 

For swatting Kaiser Bill. 

HE'D BEEN THERE HIMSELF 

Two colored troopers in France called upon the 
Chaplain. 

"Look here, Mr. Chaplain, we wants you for to 
settle an argument," said one of them. "Dis here 
man says lots of saints were colored folks. Would 
you please tell me how many of dem 'postles were 
niggers?" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 53 

"None of them was a darky," said the Chap- 
lain. 

"Well, Sir, that settles it. Dis man wanted me 
to believe that St. Peter was a nigger, and I just 
told him: 'No, Sah, St. Peter was no nigger, 'cause 
I heard you say about St. Peter and dat rooster 
crowin* twice. If St. Peter was a nigger I jest know 
dat rooster would never have a chance to crow a 
second time ; no, Sah.' " 

EIGHTEEN YEARS OF HOPE 

A wife whose husband is on active service recently 
presented him with a bouncing baby boy. She wrote 
to ask him when he should get leave, and also when 
the war would be over. His reply was as follows : 

"Dear Lucy : — I don't know when I shall get leave 
or when the war will be over, but if the baby should 
be called up before I get leave, give. him a parcel 
to bring out to me. Your loving husband, Bill." 

A NICKNAME THAT STUCK 

The Post School for Soldiers gathered for the 
afternoon session. The teacher was the Chaplain. 
The lesson, he said, was about the adverb. "What 
is an adverb?" There was an eloquent silence. At 
last a weary voice ventured: "That's a word that 
ends in ly. I learned that back in Missouri." 

"Can you give me a definition?" said the Chap- 
lain. 



54 FUNNY STORIES 

"No, Sir." 

"Can you give me an example of an adverb?" 
"Yes, Sir," came the response; "Kelly." 
Some months afterward, while in camp overseas, 
the Chaplain addressed a sentry and inquired who 
was Corporal of the guard. And the answer came : 
"Kelly, the adverb, Sir." 

PAT WAS SMOKING 

Scene: A smoking compartment in a British rail- 
way carriage. 

Old Gent (to Pat going home to Monaghan on fur- 
lough) — "Young man, allow me to inform you that 
out of every ten cases of men suffering from paraly- 
sis of the tongue, nine are due to smoking." 

Pat — "Allow me to inform you, sir, that out of 
every ten men suffering from broken noses, nine are 
due to the habit of not minding their own business." 

FORGOT HIS LINES 

The Canadians are credited with the story of the 
stupid Yorkshire sentry: 

The first night he stood guard he hailed an ap- 
proaching officer in proper form : 

"'Oo goes there?" 

"Canadian rifles." 

There was a moment of silence. Then the York- 
shireman repeated: 

"'Oo goes there?" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 55 

"The Canadian Rifles," was the impatient answer. 
More silence. Then the Yorkshireman again chal- 
lenged : 

"'Oo goes there?" 

"The Canadian rifles, you qualified blighter," 
shouted the enraged officer. 

There was a long period of quiet while the Cana- 
dian watched the Yorkshireman's obviously ready 
rifle. Then there was a moan from the sentry : 

"Blowed if I hain't forgot what to say next !" 

SO THERE'S PLENTY OF IT 

William Thaw, the young Pittsburgh millionaire 
who has done such wonderful flying in France, was 
being praised at a luncheon party. 

"Mr. Thaw," said a pretty girl, "is as brave as 
he is witty. I saw him make a splendid flight one 
day, and on his descent I said to him : 

" 'Flying requires some special application, 
doesn't it?' 

" 'Oh, no,' said he. 'Any old kind of horse lini- 
ment will do.' " 

LIVELY ENEMY 

A company of very new soldiers were out on a 
wide heath, practicing the art of taking cover. The 
officer in charge of them turned to one of the rawest 
of his men. 

"Get down behind that hillock there," he ordered, 
sternly, "and, mind, not a move or a sound !" 



56 FUNNY STORIES 

A few minutes later he looked around to see if 
they were all concealed, and, to his despair, observed 
something wriggling behind the small mound. Even 
as he watched the movements became more frantic. 

"I say, you there," he shouted, angrily, "do you 
know you are giving our position away to the en- 
emy ?" 

"Yes, sir," said the recruit, in a voice of cool des- 
peration, "and do you know that this is an anthill?" 

NO REGRETS 

A certain drill sergeant, whose severity had made 
him unpopular with his troops, was putting a party 
of recruits through the funeral service. Opening 
the ranks so as to admit the passage of the supposed 
cortege between them, the instructor, by way of ex- 
planation, walked slowly down the lane formed by 
the two ranks, saying, as he did so : 

"Now, I'm the corpse. Pay attention." 

Having reached the end of the path, he turned 
round, regarding them steadily with a scrutinizing 
eye for a moment or two, then exclaimed: 

"Your 'ands is right, and your 'eads is right, but 
you haven't got that look of regret you ought tc* 



TOO MUCH WASTED EFFORT 

A squad of rookies, composed of various nationali- 
ties, mostly Italian, on being given the command 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 57 

"mark time I" all executed the command with the ex- 
ception of one small dark-skinned son of Naples. 

The sergeant asked him why he did not execute 
the movement and he replied : 

"Donna wan to." 

"Why not?" sharply demanded the sergeant. 

"Cause-a we walk-a like deuce and don't-a get-a 
no place !" 

MAD ENOUGH TO LICK ANYONE 

Before entering the Army this rookie was a peace- 
ful lad, but rising at 5:15 in the morning went 
against his principles. On this particular morning, 
as he fell in line by the light of the moon, his bunkie 
heard him mutter: 

"It's clear to me now. Why didn't I think of that 
long ago?" 

Bunkie (puzzled) — "What's clear to you now?" 

Rookie — "The reason why all great battles begin 
at daybreak." 

Bunkie— "Why?" 

Rookie — "Because, when men have to get up that 
time, they feel so much like fighting." 

WORKING THE WAR 

Bess: "That's Mrs. Grabbit — she's a great war- 
worker." 

Bob: "Indeed!" 

Bess : "Yes ; she's married four of her daughters 
to soldiers." 



58 FUNNY STORIES 

SANDY WAS SCOTCH 

Sandy M'Tavish was a highly-skilled workman in 
a new aeroplane factory. It happened one day that 
he was asked if he would care to accompany the works 
aviator on one of his trial flights in a machine. 
Sandy, after some hesitation, agreed to do so. 

During the flight the aviator asked how he was en- 
joying the trip. 

"To tell the truth," answered the Scot, "I wad 
rather be on the groun'." 

"Tut, tut," replied the flying man. "I'm just 
thinking of looping the loop." 

"For heaven's sake don't dae that!" yelled the 
now very serious M'Tavish. "I've some siller in 
my vest pocket, an' I micht lose it." 

BROWN WASN'T GREEN 

When Brown was transferred to another unit his 
adjutant wrote to the adjutant of the new regiment 
saying: "We are sending you Brown. He is a nice 
boy, but he has a shocking bad habit of betting 
on every conceivable subject. Try and choke him 
off." 

Brown arrived. At mess on the first night he sat 
next the colonel and, turning the conversation on 
India, made the astounding assertion that every white 
man who went there developed a curious green patch 
between the shoulder-blades. This rubbish annoyed 
the colonel. He said that he certainly had no green 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 59 

patch on his back. Brown, with all deference, of- 
fered to bet him ten pounds that he had! The bet 
was accepted by the indignant officer, and in the ante- 
room afterwards he pulled off his shirt. There was 
no patch. Brown apologized and paid up. Next 
day the adjutant wrote to Brown's former regiment: 
"Brown turned up. * * * I think we have 
choked him off. Last night he bet the colonel, etc. 
* * * and lost." 

The reply came: "Thanks for yours. Before 
Brown left here he bet us ten pounds apiece all round 
the mess that he would make the colonel take off his 
shirt in the ante-room on the first night he arrived." 

ANYTHING TO GET AWAY 

A soldier was pleading with his O. C. 

"You are always on leave," exclaimed the officer. 
"What on earth do you want special leave for now?" 

"My sister's baby going to be vaccinated, sir." 

"And what has that got to do with you?" 

"She's my sister, sir," explained Tommy, with a 
hurt look. 

"What, the baby?" 

"No, sir, the baby's sister's my brother — I mean 
I'm the mother's baby — er — the father's my sister. 
No, I mean — " 

"You mean," broke in the O. C, angrily. "What 
do they want you for? That is the point." 

"For a godmother, sir." 



60 FUNNY STORIES 

NATURALLY WISHED TO SEE HER 

Private McGuire, lying in hospital, was very frac- 
tious. He pointedly refused to take a second dose 
of medicine, which was inordinately nasty. Several 
smiling nurses bent over him and urged him to be 
good. 

"Come," pleaded one, "drink this and you'll get 
well." 

"And rosy, too !" chimed in a second. 

M'Guire visibly brightened, and actually sat up 
in bed. 

After surveying the pretty group, he inquired, 
eagerly, "What wan o' yez is Rosy?" 

ZEPPELINITIS 

Mr. Meek was not very well, and the doctor had 
advised him to take a glass of beer occasionally "for 
his stomach's sake." 

"It can't be done, doctor; it can't be done," said 
Mr. Meek. "Although there is a barrel of beer in 
the cellar, my wife insists on my being teetotal for 
the duration of the war." 

"Tut, tut," said the doctor, as he took his leave; 
"you must invent a way to overcome your wife's 
scruples ; an easy matter enough, surely ?" 

A few days later the medical man received a visit 
from Mrs. Meek, who was greatly concerned as to the 
state of her husband's health. "I am afraid, doctor," 
she said, "that the poor man has had a nervous break- 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 61 

down. He's continually fancying that he can hear 
Zeppelins, and goes to hide in the cellar; besides 
which he often appears to be somewhat strange and 
aggressive in his manner." 

PALESTINE VS. PURGATORY 

In a small village in Ireland the mother of a sol- 
dier met the village priest, who asked her if she 
had had bad news. 

"Shure, I have," she said. "Pat has been killed." 

"Oh, I am very sorry," said the priest. "Did 
you receive word from the War Office?" 

"No," she said, "I received word from himself." 

The priest looked perplexed, and said, "But how 
is that?" 

"Shure," she said, "here is the letter, read it for 
yourself." 

The letter said: "Dear Mother — I am now in the 
Holy Land." 

DON'T ALL SPEAK AT ONCE 

The American Red Cross has inaugurated so many 
different kinds of bureaus since its arrival in France, 
that it is difficult to enumerate them or to know 
what their duties consist of, but its newest bureau, 
according to the last issue of the Bulletin, appears 
to be dabbling in matrimonial matters. The follow- 
ing paragraph is taken from the Red Cross Bulletin, 
showing that anything might be called for at the 
headquarters : 



62 FUNNY STORIES 

"Wanted — An American husband." 

"No kidding. It's a fact. If you are an eligible 
young man of American nationality who wants a 
wife but cannot find anybody that wants to marry 
you, apply to the office of the Secretary General. 

"The office of the Secretary General has not be- 
come a matrimonial agency, but received a letter 
from a French woman in which the writer extolled 
her excellent qualities and asked that she be found 
an American husband." 

WELL SEASONED 

A soldier in hospital, on recovering consciousness, 

said: 

"Nurse, what is this on my head?" 

"Vinegar cloths," she replied. "You have had 

fever." After a pause. 

"And what is this on my chest?" 

"A mustard-plaster. You have had pneumonia." 

"And what is this at my feet ?" 

"Salt-bags ; you have had frost-bite." 

A soldier from the next bed looked up and said: 

"Hang the pepper-box to his nose, nurse, then he 

will be a cruet." 

NOT TO BE DONE , 

A certain soldier always looked on the dark side 
of things. One day a friend tried to cheer him. 

"Why don't you do as the song says, 'Pack all 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 63 

your troubles in your old kitbag, and smile, smile, 
smile'?" 

"I tried that once," he said, sadly, "but the Quar- 
termaster didn't have enough kitbags." 

UNCERTAIN TRAIN SCHEDULE 

A soldier was waiting for the Muddleton train, the 
only one of the day. After he had waited for an un- 
reasonable time the porter hove in sight. 

"How long will I have to wait," the soldier asked, 
"for that bally train?" 

"How long have you got ?" asked the porter, with 
apparent irrelevance. 

"Fourteen days." 

"Well," said the porter, "you'd better walk." 

REAL STRATEGY 

A young but distinguished major on furlough 
was visiting a house where the family consisted of 
several eligible daughters. The good lady of the 
house was quick to notice that one of her daughters 
seemed to be making a favorable impression on her 
visitor. So before he took his departure the artful 
mother whispered to him: "There's a story going 
the rounds, major, that you are going to marry my 
daughter Hilda. What shall I say?" 

"Just say, my dear madam, that your charming 
and beautiful daughter refused me," was the tactful 
reply. 



64 FUNNY STORIES 

HE KNEW THE BREED 

(A young British private was on night guard at a 
lonely outpost in France, when suddenly he heard 
the tramp of an advancing regiment. "Halt!" he 
called. "Who goes there?" 

"Irish Fusiliers." 

"Pass, Irish Fusiliers, all's well." 

Silence reigned for some minutes and then he 
heard another regiment advancing. "Halt! Who 
goes there?" 

"London Scottish." 

"Pass, London Scottish, all's well." 

For some time there was silence, and then another 
regiment was heard. "Halt ! Who goes there ?" 

"None of your d business !" 

"Pass, Canadians, all's well." 

DESERVED PROMOTION 

"Don't keep calling me 'general.' I'm only a colo- 
nel." 

"'Scuse me, boss. I ain't disputin' yo' word, 
but any military gent'man dat gives dis old waiter 
a dollar tip is jes natcherly a 'gen'ral.'" 

MIXED HER DATES 

The Khaki Gentleman: "Do you love me, dar- 
ling?" 

She: "Yes, Jack, dear." 

The Khaki Gentleman : "Jack ! My name's Har- 
old!" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 65 

She (who has numerous admirers — one for each 
day of the week) : "Oh, yes, of course! I keep think- 
ing this is Saturday !" 

HOOVER, GOD AND THREE OTHERS 

A boy who had a habit of leaving food on his 
plate was told by his nurse that Mr. Hoover would 
get after him. 

"Well, that makes five," despondently said the boy. 

"Five?" asked the nurse. "What do you mean?" 

"Well," was the answer, "I've always had to mind 
daddy and mother and Aunt Mary and God, and now 
here comes along Mr. Hoover." 

IT TAKES FIFTEEN YEARS, SON 

A young recruit, fresh from a New Hampshire 
farm, sat watching a group of men in camp, engaged 
in the usual pastime — "the great American irame." 
After watching the game silently for a time lie in- 
quired: "Is that poker you fellows are playing?" 
On being informed that it was, he volunteered : 

"Well, I'll be darned! I've been watching this 
game carefully for about fifteen minutes, and I don't 
believe I thoroughly understand it yet." 

AW, BE A SPORT, HUBBY 

Mrs. Will Irwin, speaking of women's wartime cos- 
tumes, said at a Washington Square tea : 

"The more immodest fashions would disappear if 
men would resolutely oppose them. 



66 FUNNY STORIES 

"I know a woman whose dressmaker sent home the 
other day a skirt that was, really, too short alto- 
gether. The woman put it on. It was becoming 
enough, dear knows, but it made her feel ashamed. 
She entered the library, and her husband looked up 
from his work with a dark frown. 

" 'I wonder,' she said, with an embarrassed laugh, 
'if these ultra-short skirts will ever go out?' 

" 'They'll never go out with me,' he answered in 
decided tones." 

NOT ON THE PROGRAM 

When the wealthy Mrs. Beldon came to visit her 
son at his post, the gallant Lieutenant was so pleased 
that he arranged a theater party in honor of his 
mother. Officers and their ladies were in all the 
boxes. When the Lieutenant glanced over the au- 
dience he saw that every one was looking at his box. 
Women held handkerchiefs to their faces and men 
shook with laughter. Then he noticed that his 
mother, who held in one gloved hand a fan, rested 
the other arm upon the rail of the box. Her free 
hand, she thought, reposed on the lower rail, but 
in reality it rested upon the bald pate of an old man 
who sat in the box below. The old gentleman ap- 
parently was in agony, but he was very patient. 
Suddenly the audience started to applaud and the 
officer's mother, in total abstraction, affectionately 
patted that poor bald head, which suddenly arose 
in crimson rage and left the theater. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 67 

WHERE HIS AUTHORITY BEGAN 

A tired column of troops clambered down a rocky 
ledge and went into camp beside a delightful little 
pool of water. The commanding officer immediately 
placed his sentry at the pool. Soon more soldiers 
scrambled down the ledge and a tired Lieutenant 
quickly prepared for a plunge into that pool. But 
he was met with a sharp command from across the 
pond: 

"Halt!" 

"What are your orders?" said the Lieutenant. 

"Sir," came the answer, "my orders are to prevent 
all officers, soldiers, and natives from bathing in 
that pool. The water is reserved for the coffee for 
supper." 

"Why didn't you tell me before I stripped?" 

"Sir, I have no orders to prevent any man from 
stripping." 

A TENNYSONIAN TODDY 

It was bitterly cold. Captain Price was officer 
of the day. It was necessary for him to inspect the 
guard after midnight, and, fearful of the influenza, 
he sought prevention in hot toddy. Fate decreed 
that he should be reported drunk on duty. Now, 
the men in the troop thought much of their genial 
Captain. They petitioned McSweeny, orderly to 
the troop commander, to go to the court-martial 
and swear to anything, but to be sure to clear the 



68 FUNNY STORIES 

Captain. So it came to pass that McSweeny ap- 
peared as a witness. The Judge Advocate said he 
must swear to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing 
but the truth. Then he thundered : 

"Do you know the accused?" 

"Yes, Sir," came the answer, "he is my troop 
commander, Captain Price." 

"Did you see the accused on this date?" 

"Yes, Sir." 

"What was the condition of the accused?" 

"The Captain was sober, Sir." 

"The testimony reads that he was intoxicated." 

"No, Sir." 

"It is further stated that you helped the accused 
to his quarters." 

"No, Sir; I went over to the quarters with the 
Captain." 

"It is said that you helped the accused into his 
bunk." 

"No, Sir: I took off his boots." 

"Did the accused say anything that would lead 
you to suspect that he was intoxicated?" 

"No, Sir; he only said one thing." 

"What was that?" 

"When I was leaving, Sir, he said: 'McSweeny, 
call me early. I am going to be Queen of the May.' " 

WHY REMIND THEM OF IT? 

Terry O'Neill was steward on an army transport. 
Before the mess call sounded Terry always visited 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 69 

the different staterooms. Pushing the door ajar, 
he would say to the officers: "Gentlemen, do you 
wish me to throw your luncheon overboard, or will 
you do it yourselves?" 

HE'D HEARD HER SING 

"And did you have a good crossing?" asked the 
friend of the adventurous lady who had just re- 
turned from France. 

"Oh, a most terrible crossing, terrible. The most 
awful storm I've ever been in. Yet I wasn't a bit 
afraid. The other passengers were in a panic run- 
ning all over the boat, till at last the captain, who 
had heard that I was a singer, asked me to sing to 
them and quiet them, and I did. And all the time I 
was singing the heavy seas were running." 

"I don't blame 'em !" growled her father. "I 
don't blame those heavy seas a bit." 

WHY FRANCE WON 

A Frenchwoman was torn by a shell while render- 
ing service to the soldiers, and General Petain, of 
the French Armies, accompanied by his staff and by 
General Pershing as a guest, went to the woman's 
bedside and pinned on her breast the Croix de Guerre, 
the soldiers' cross of war. 

"My general," said the woman to Petain, "I am 
glad to have been struck so that you may see and 
know that the daughters as well as the sons of France 



70 FUNNY STORIES 

are ready to suffer and, if need be, to die for France 
and for her liberty." 

MUCH THE SAFEST PLAN 

A recruiting sergeant stationed in the south of 
Ireland met Pat and asked him to join the army. 
The latter refused, whereupon the sergeant asked 
his reason for refusing. 

"Aren't the King and the Kaiser cousins?" asked 
Pat. 

"Yes," said the recruiting sergeant. 

"Well," said Pat, "begorra, I once interfered in 
a family squabble, and I'm not going to do so again." 

THE OLD FAMILIAR WORDS 

Some time ago, when a British corps was reviewed 
by Sir Ian Hamilton, one officer was mounted on a 
horse that had previously distinguished itself in a 
bakery business. Somebody recognized the horse, 
and shouted, "Baker !" The horse promptly stopped 
dead, and nothing could urge it on. 

The situation was getting painful when the officer 
was struck with a brilliant idea, and remarked, "Not 
today, thank you." The procession then moved on. 

WITH A COMMA AFTER "RED" 

"Mrs. Bing's new baby is just in the fashion." 

"How do you mean?" 

"It is such a red cross affair." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 71 

HOLES CLEAR THROUGH HIM 

The melancholy youth was lying in the hospital 
bed entertaining his visitors with tales of the battle- 
field. 

"Yes," he said, almost tearfully, "I have had a 
rough time. I was once so riddled with bullets the 
fellows behind me complained of the draft." 

WAS THIS FOREORDAINED? 

The Presbyterians are having their day, it seems, 
if one looks over a list of the foremost men of today. 
Woodrow Wilson is a Presbyterian elder; Robert 
Lansing, Secretary of State, is likewise. Thomas 
R. Marshall, Vice President of the United States, 
is a Presbyterian; and so are General Pershing, in 
command of America's legions abroad ; General Pey- 
ton C. March, the new Chief of Staff; and General 
Hugh Scott. General Field Marshal Haig, of the 
British armies, is a member of the Church of Scot- 
land, which is Presbyterian ; and Field Marshal JofFre 
is a member of the Reformed Church, which in France 
is similarly nearest to the Presbyterian Church in 
the United States. 

WILLING TO PAY THE PRICE 

A Tommy on furlough entered a jeweler's shop 
and, placing a much-battered gold watch on the 
counter, said, "I want this 'ere mended." 

After a careful survey the watchmaker said, "I'm 



72 FUNNY STORIES 

afraid, sir, the cost of repairing will be double what 

you gave for it." 

"I don't mind that," said the soldier. "Will you 

mend it?" 

"Yes," said the jeweler, "at the price." 

"Well." remarked Tommy, smiling, "I gave a 

German a punch on the nose for it, and I'm quite 

ready to give you two if you'll mend it." 

WAR'S COMPENSATIONS 

"Lady (young) will gladly marry and give up 
life to the care and happiness of wounded hero, 
blinded or incapacitated by the war. — Genuine, Box 
M 770, the London Times." 

GAP WAS A SURE WINNER 

The captain of the SS. Piffle listened patiently 
to a passenger's account of his shooting abilities, 
then he quietly remarked: 

"I don't think you could hit this bottle at twenty 
yards, placed on the taffrail, while the ship is heaving 
like this." 

"It would be only child's play," said the passenger. 

"Well, I'll bet you a guinea you don't hit it three 
times out of six." 

"It's a wager. Come along." 

The bottle was placed in position. Crack! The 
passenger hit it, and it disappeared in fragments 
into the sea. , 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 73 

"Trot out another one," said the marksman. 
"Not at all. The conditions were that you hit 
that one three times out of six. Five shots more." 



ONLY A RUSE AFTER ALL 

The called-up one volubly explained that there 
was no need in his case for a medical examination. 

"I'm fit and I want to fight. I want to go over 
on the first boat. I want to go right into the front 
trenches, but I want to have a hospital close, so 
that if I get hit no time will be wasted in taking me 
where I can get mended right away, so that I can 
get back to fighting without losing a minute. Pass 
me in, doctor. Don't waste any time on me. I want 
to fight, and keep fighting!" 

The doctor, however, insisted, and, when he got 
through, reported a perfect physical specimen. 

"You don't find nothing wrong with me, doctor?" 

"Nothing." 

"But, doctor, don't you think I'm a bit crazy?" 

TRY IT ON THE YANKS 

She: — "Yes, sir, I believe that woman's place in 
this war is right beside the men on the battle line." 

He — "And suppose a commander sent a party of 
six men and six women out in the woods to see if the 
enemy were in sight, would you call that war? That 
would be a picnic!" 



74 FUNNY STORIES 

HER MEASURE OF SUCCESS 

He — "And how are you getting on with your 
collecting for the soldiers ?" 

She — "Splendidly ! I've had my name in the pa- 
pers four times already." 

BETTER MAKE AN OMELET 

"I'll put you in the commissary department if 
you'll answer the following question : What would 
you do if you had one hundred soldiers and only 
ninety-nine eggs ?" 

"I'd shoot one of the soldiers !" 

THE USUAL PREFERENCE 

That the British "Tommy" is as ready with his 
tongue as with his gun was aptly shown the other 
day when a number of wounded soldiers were being 
admitted to a hospital. 

One of the patients was being carried to a ward 
named L, but at the door the stretcher bearers were 
met by the Sister in charge, who said, "I'm sorry, 
but L's full." 

"All right," cheerily replied the irrepressible 
"Tommy," "we'll just go to 'eaven." 

NOTHING TO FIGHT FOR 

Jem — "Why don't you shoulder a gun?" 
Ben — "Ah ain't got nothin' against nobody in 
dis here world, and if I have I forgive 'em!" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 75 

Jem — "But your country is at war and you've 
got to carry a gun." 

Ben — "Man, the only time Ah carry a gun is when 
I'm after one lone man and not after an army !" 

Jem — "But why don't you fight for your coun- 
try?" 

Ben— "Ah live in the city !" 

BOTH UP AND DOWN, AUNTIE 

Aunt Nancy was visiting an army camp and as 
she approached some rookies were sitting on their 
heels and then rising to a standing position in perfect 
unison. 

"What are the boys doing now?" she asked. 

"Why, those are the setting-up exercises," ex- 
plained an obliging sergeant. 

"Humph," remarked auntie. "Looks to me more 
like settin' down exercises." 

SECURING A TEMPORARY DIVORCE 

There is a man in Bozeman, Mont., who will prob- 
ably go through life bewailing the injustice of the 
draft board that certified him for service, despite 
the fact that he presented a letter written by his 
wife to prove that he had a dependent family. Here 
is the letter: 

"Dear United States Army: My husband ast me 
to write a reckomend that he supports his famly. 
He can not read so dont tell him. Jus take him. 



76 FUNNY STORIES 

He ain't no good to me. He aint done nothing but 
play a fiddle and drink lemmen essense since I mar- 
ried him, eight years ago, and I got to feed seven 
kids of his. Maybe you can get him to carry a gun. 
He's good on squirrels and eatin'. Take him and 
welcum. I need the grub and his bed for the kids. 
Don't tell him this but take him." 

REMINDS ONE OF PLATTSBURG 

"Now, Lieutenant Tompkins," said the general, 
"you have the battalion in quarter column, facing 
south — how would you get it into line, in the quick- 
est possible way, facing northeast?" 

"Well, sir," said the lieutenant, after a moment's 
fruitless consideration, "do you know, that's what 
I've often wondered." 

MONOLOGUE, BY NAT M. WILLS 

(As delivered in Chicago.) 

I just asked a policeman the quickest way to the 
hospital. He told me to go down to Jefferson street 
and yell hurrah for the czar. John D. Rockefeller 
wants to go to the front, but I don't think he'll do 
much for the country. When the officer says ad- 
vance he'll raise the price of gasoline. 

You know all that peace talk is .over. The peace 
party crawled into a hole and pulled the hole in 
after them — they're afraid of the draft. 

Some men are born soldiers, others develop into 
fighters after they marry. I've been in four battles. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 77 

The very first night I was married my wife broke 
this news to me. "You know, dear, I can't dress 
myself," so I got her a French maid ; and, "I can't 
drive my own car," so I got her a chauffeur. Then 
she said: "You know I walk in my sleep," so I had 
to get her a night watchman. 

Uncle Sam is preparing all right in a hundred 
different ways we know nothing about. A man who 
comes up to you on the street may be an officer. 
If you get a drink in Kansas City, well, that's secret 
service. 

It certainly was pretty windy around the Masonic 
temple today. You know two girls were passing; 
one had red, white and blue stockings on and the 
other green; they were going in the opposite direc- 
tion. I didn't know which to look at, but decided 
to see America first. 

Sousa and I got together a couple of seasons ago. 
His band was going to play my songs. I met him 
the other day just as I was going into a saloon. He 
said: "Nat, my band of 300 men will accompany 
you." I said: "That's all right with me, Phil, but 
do you think there'll be room ?" 

PARDONABLE MISTAKE 

Captain Jones was a very round-shouldered and 
eccentric officer. 

On a particularly dark night in Egypt, while 
practicing his company in outpost duty, he ap- 
proached one of the sentries who failed to halt him. 



78 FUNNY STORIES 

In a great rage the officer demanded of the now 
trembling sentry the reason why he had omitted to 
challenge him. 

"If you please, sir," stuttered the confused sol- 
dier, "I thought you was a camel." 

HE WAS REAL MAD ABOUT IT 

Two privates met the other morning near the can- 
teen, which, from the fact that a monkey was kept 
on the counter, was popularly known as the "Mon- 
key House." 

"Halloa, Jack," said the first. "You look a bit 
off this morning." 

"Yes, Bill," replied Jack. "I haven't the price of 
a wet." 

"Neither have I," replied Bill; "but I think I 
know how to get a couple of pints. Come into the 
Monkey House." 

They entered the canteen and Bill called for two 
pints. While the barman's back was turned Bill hit 
the monkey a clout on the head, which caused the ani- 
mal to scream out. 

"What was that for?" asked the barman, wrath- 
fully. 

"Not the first time he has done that," shouted Bill, 
angrily. 

"Done what?" asked the barman. 

"Why, picked up my shilling and swallowed it," 
replied Bill. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 79 

"Well," said the indignant barman, "why didn't 
you tell me before you hit the monkey? There's 
your two pints and your sevenpence change. And 
don't you interfere with my monkey again." 

HE KNEW WHERE THEY WERE 

The scene was a cinema palace, as they call 'em 
in England, where the Somme battle-pictures were 
being flickered. 

As the Warwickshires were seen going over the 
top to the attack, an excited Birmingham man ex- 
claimed, triumphantly : "What about your Highland 
regiments now?" 

As luck would have it, there was a short, bandy- 
legged Scot in a kilt within hearing. 

He flared up and replied: "What about oor 
Hielant regiments? Why, they are keepin' back 
the Germans while your men are gettin' their photo- 
graphs took." 

JUST A BIT OF TRENCH REPARTEE 

Australian Soldier (to American) — "You Yanks 
think you've done a lot, but you forget we Austra- 
lians have been at the game for four years." 

"Well, what have you done, anyway?" 

"Done? We've been at Gallipoli, Mesopotamia, 
the plains of Bethlehem, and " 

"The plains of Bethlehem?" 

"Yes; I slept a week there myself." 



80 FUNNY STORIES 

"Well, I guess that t^as a busy week for the shep- 
herds watching their flocks !" 

NOT MENTIONABLE IN SOCIETY 

"I know you have pet names for the big guns, 
but what do you call the shells ?" 

"Depends, 'ow close you are to where they burst, 
mum !" 

NOW SHE KNOWS WHY 

She had intently watched the soldier for some 
time. Then she ventured: "The chin strap, I sup- 
pose, is to keep your hat on, my man?" 

"No," replied Yank, "it's to rest the jaw after 
answering questions." 

INTERCEPTED WAR MESSAGES 

A wire from Secretary of War Baker: "Discuss 
no war news in front of horses. They carry tails." 

Cable from King George to the President : "Send 
me over 5,000 sewing machines, we want to hem the 
Germans on the border." 

From King George : "Must have $5,000,000 ; if 
it can't be had any other way get it from the waiters 
at the Waldorf." 

Stone wires : "If war breaks out I'll stand behind 
the army." 

Cable from Russian general: "Over a million 
pairs of pajamas at once; Russian army ready to 
retire." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 81 

Wire from Empress of Germany to Queen Mary 
(sent collect) : "Am sitting on my veranda crochet- 
ing; would like to have you join me — Nit." 

From the Czar of Russia: "It's pretty tough to 
be seated on the throne one minute and thrown on 
your seat the next." 

WHAT MOTHERS ALWAYS SAY 

"Remember, my son," said his mother as she bade 
him good-by, "when you get to camp try to be punc- 
tual in the mornings, so as not to keep breakfast 
waiting." 

FASHION NOTE FROM THE FRONT 

"Where are you going?" asked one rookie of an- 
other. 

"Going to the blacksmith shop to get my tin hat 
reblocked." 

ONE GERMAN WE FORGIVE 

The following story which is going the rounds of 
the Continental papers, including even those of Aus- 
tria, must make the Germans gnash their teeth. 

A German and a Dane met recently in Schiller's 
house in Weimar. As they stood gazing reverently 
on the scene the German, swelling with pride, re- 
marked to his fellow- visitor : 

"So this is where our national poet, Schiller, 
lived." 



82 FUNNY STORIES 

"Pardon me," said the other; "not national, but 
international." 

"How so ?" asked the German, with surprise. 

"Why, consider his works," the Dane replied. 
"He wrote, 'Mary Stuart' for the English, 'The 
Maid of Orleans' for the French, 'Egmont' for the 
Dutch, 'William Tell' for the Swiss—" 

"And what did he write for the Germans, pray?" 
broke in the other. Pat came the Dane's answer : 

"For the Germans he wrote, 'The Robbers.' " 

EQUINE "NOW I LAY ME" 

Tommy (to the "charger" he has borrowed during 
a week-end leave after it has been down three times 
in ten minutes) — Wot! On yer knees agen? Go 
on — get on with it — "Bless Pa and Ma an' make me 
a good 'orse. Amen." 

ONE BRITISH ATROCITY 

The "Swanky" One — "I'm smoking a terrible lot 
of cigars lately." 

The Other (with conviction) — "You're right, if 
that's one of them !" 

NEVER MIND THE NAME 

How to pronounce some of the names of the towns 
which the Americans get into puzzles the boys, so 
they have their own pronunciation. Thus, when they 
captured Seringes, it became Syringe, and Fismes be- 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 83 

came Fiz. When Fismettes was taken, the battalion 
commander went back to report, made several as- 
saults upon its pronunciation and finally said : 

"Well, I can't tell you what town it is, but I've 
taken the damned place, anyhow." 

FRENCH IN THE TRENCH 

Tommy (to Jock, on leave) — "What about the 
lingo? Suppose you want to say 'egg' over there, 
what do you say?" 

Jock— "Ye juist say 'Oof.' " 
Tommy — "But suppose you want two?" 
Jock — "Ye say, 'Twa oofs,' and the silly auld 
fule wife gies ye three, and ye juist gie her back 
one. Man, it's an awfu' easy language." 

SCOTCH PROVISIONS 

Captain John Stevenson met a recent arrival from 
the "auld countree" and speedily got into a chat 
with him over conditions there. The new arrival 
told feelingly of the terrible toll of war on the fair 
land of Scotia, the sad tales of young men killed 
and maimed, the sufferings of the families left be- 
hind. His was a right sad tale in every way. 

"Wy, man, we're jist plum distrackit wi' it," he 
concluded. 

"And I suppose the war has caused the price of 
provisions to go up in Scotland as well as every- 
where else ?" commented Captain Stevenson with sym- 
pathy. 



84 FUNNY STORIES 

"Aye, man, ye' re richt," agreed the visitor. "Pro- 
veesions have gone up saxpence the bottle." 

VERY LIKE MOSES 

The conditions in the trenches were dreary in the 
extreme after the drenching and long-continued 
rainfall, but the irrepressible spirits of the "Pais" 
were not yet entirely quenched when the order came 
to leave the trenches. 

"Hurry up out of this, my gallant soldiers," was 
the cheery call of the sergeant to his waist-deep and 
rain-sodden men. 

"Soldiers!" came the derisive answer from one of 
them. "I'm not a soldier ; I'm a blooming bulrush !" 

THEY FIXED YOU, WILLIE 

"We played fool," declared the Crown Prince "I 
see it now." 
"Huh?" 

"We had the whole world to pick a fight with." 
"Well?" 
"And look at the crowd we picked out." 

SAFETY FIRST 

Messages had come to the office of a great illus- 
trated paper that Zeppelins were approaching Lon- 
don. 

The editor at once summoned his staff of pho- 
tographers. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 85 

"Now, boys, we've got to have a picture of this 
Zepp. We were badly beaten on the last. The mo- 
ment it approaches I want every man to rush to the 
roof with his camera and stay there, whatever hap- 
pens, until he gets a picture. Let me know directly 
you get it. You'll find me under the heap of coal 
bags in the right-hand corner of the lower cellar i ' 

NO SUGAR IN HEAVEN 

First Tommy (as he reads the local paper sent 
from home) — "O, Bill, what do you think of it? 
They're issuing a list in Blighty of the people what 
are going to do without using any more sugar !" 

Second Tommy (eagerly grasping the paper and 
straining his eyes to find the list of names) — "Where 
did you see, it Harry ?" 

First Tommy — "Why, there" (pointing to the 
death column). 

YOU CAN'T DO THIS IN BATTLE 

The military maneuvered. All the afternoon the 
attackers had attacked and the defenders defended, 
with conspicuous lack of incident or bravery. Opera- 
tions were beginning to drag horribly when the white 
flag went up. 

The officer in command of the attackers stared in 
amazement. 

"A flag of truce !" he exclaimed. "What do they 
want?" 



86 FUNNY STORIES 

The sergeant-major endeavored to cover up a 
smile. 

"They say, sir," he reported, "that, as it's tea 
time, they'd like to exchange a couple o' privates 
for a can of condensed milk — if you can afford it." 

NOW IT'S "ALL DUNN" 

An Irish recruit named Dunn was arranging to let 
his friends know where he was when on active service. 

"If I go to France," he said, "I shall sign my let- 
ter F. Dunn ; to Egypt, E. Dunn." 

"When the war is over and you come home, what 
will you sign?" 

"We're Dunn!" 

"Well done," shouted his friends. 

A LAST FAREWELL 

Private Doolan was six feet three inches in his 
socks. Beside him the sergeant on duty was a ban- 
tam. 

"Head up there, Doolan !" he cried. Doolan 
raised his head. 

"Up higher," shouted the little sergeant. 

"There, that's better. Don't let me see you with 
your head down again." 

"Am I to be always like this?" asked Doolan, star- 
ing away above the little man's head. 

"You are." 

"Then I'll say good-bye to ye, sergeant, for I'll 
never see ye again." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 87 

TOO MODEST BY FAR 

During a camp parade of the buglers recently 
an Irish corporal was in charge. He was asked by 
the commanding officer if all the buglers were pres- 
ent: He replied: "No, sorr, wan man absent." 

"Well, then," said the officer, "go and find him 
and ask him what he has to say for himself." 

A few minutes later Pat came running back. 
"Shure, sorr," he cried, "and weren't we a pair of 
duffers not to know it? It wor meself. Bedad, sorr, 
Oi forgot to call me own name entoirely." 

ANOTHER WAR CASUALTY 

"You don't seem to feel so enthusiastic as usual 
about speech-making." 

"Well," answered Senator Sorghum, "times have 
changed and it isn't so easy for a man in a silk hat 
and a frock-coat to stand out before a lot of men 
in khaki uniforms or overalls and assert that he is 
saving the country all by himself." 

PREACHER HAD A SCOOP 

An editor in the Far West dropped into church 
for the first time in many years. The minister was 
in the very heart of the sermon. The editor listened 
for a while, and then rushed to his office. 

"What are you fellows doing? How about the 
news from the seat of war?" 

"What news?" 



88 FUNNY STORIES 

"Why, all this about the Egyptian Army being 
drowned in the Red Sea. The minister up at the 
church knows all about it, and you have not a word 
of it in our latest. Bustle round, you fellows, and 
get out an extra-special edition." 

THERE IS TIME FOR BOTH 

One industrious war-gardener is pictured as work- 
ing busily and reflecting on the virtue of raising his 
own food-supply. 

"If everybody grew his own vegetables and ate 
less meat," he soliloquized, "we'd put old Bill on 
the bum in a hurry. This is tough work, but I'll 
stick to it if it kills me. I'm with Hoover on this." 

At this point a fine assortment of earth-worms 
was unearthed. The digger's reflections immediately 
shifted to a shady stream and the final scene shows 
him happily fishing. 

"Oh, well," he reflects to soothe his conscience, 
"vegetables or fish ; it's all the same to Mr. Hoover." 

THEY DO SOUND ALIKE 

"Now," said the Colonel, looking along the line 
of recruits, "I want a good smart bugler." 

At that out stepped a dilapidated fellow who had 
a thick stubble of black beard. 

"What !" said the colonel, eying him up and down. 
"Are you a bugler?" 

"Oh, bugler!" said he. "I thought you said 
burglar." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 89 

NO TIME TO SAY ALL OF IT 

"So," sobbed lima Vladoffovitchskioffsky, "Ivan 
Nine-spotski died in battle. You say he uttered my 
name as he was dying?" 

"Part of it," replied the returned soldier — "part 
of it." 

NO MAIL TO HADES 

Willie Hohenzollern (after Berlin fell)— "But, 
mein f riendt, I want to write a letter to papa." 

Yankee Guard — "Nothin' doin', Heinie. We 
don't have asbestos stationery around here." 

MORE TO THE PURPOSE 

Officer — "So you captured a thousand Germans 
by just calling across No Man's Land. What did 
you do — promise them a square deal if they surren- 
dered?" 

Yankee Private — "No ; I promised them a square 
meal." — Life. 

WHAT WE MAY EXPECT NOW 

The war was over and the new woman was fully 
developed. Gone were the petticoats and faldelals. 
Women aimed at being rational in character and 
dress. 

In such an after-the-war household Mr. Bigboy 
was washing out baby's bottle when his wife came 
down dressed for going out. 

"Are you going out?" whined Mr. Bigboy. 



90 FUNNY STORIES 

"Yes," said his wife, patting his cheek. "It's 
the big meeting at the lodge." 

"Then — then," said the man, and his lips trem- 
bled, "if you're not in by 11 o'clock I'll— I'll go 
home to father." 

EIGHT MILES FOR HIM 

A story is told of a German spy who was captured 
within the English lines in France. An English 
Tommy was detailed by his commander to march 
the German four miles back of the lines and there 
shoot him. After marching through mud and water 
for four miles, all tired out and rain soaked, the 
pair finally reached the four-mile point. The Ger- 
man was exasperated by this time and blurted : "Vot's 
the idea of marching me four miles through mud and 
rain to be shot?" 

"My word," the English Tommy said. "What are 
you kicking about? Think of me. I gotta walk 
back!" 

NO FIGHTING FOR HIM 

One of the recruiting canvassers in an English 
provincial town was a well-known magistrate. In 
most cases he succeeded in obtaining the promises 
he wished, but at last he knocked at one cottage- 
door which was opened to him by a sturdy son of 
the soil. 

"My man," said the magistrate, in his most per- 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 91 

suasive tones, "are you willing to fight for your 
King and country?" 

"No, I beant, sir," was the prompt reply. "An' 
I be surprized at you askin' me for to do it. Two 
years ago come next month you yourself fined I 
twenty shillings for fighting wi' Bill Smith, and you 
said it wor wicked to fight, an' I promised you as 
I wouldn't repeat the offense, an' alius kept my 
word." 

HOW HUNS TICKLED THEMSELVES 

Berlin, April — There is no question that terrible 
damage was caused in London by the latest Zeppelin 
raid. The commander of the Zeppelin L-10 has 
brought back with him to Germany a sketch which 
he made while he was flying over the British metropo- 
lis. It clearly shows the houses of Parliament in 
flames and Sir Edward Grey running along Picca- 
dilly with his coat-tails afire. The sketch has been 
warmly commended by art and military critics. 

TWASNT HIS FAULT 

An English girl gave General Pershing quite a 
jolt while he was in London. She had been placed 
at his disposal as the driver of his automobile. One 
day he said to his girl driver: 

"Can you please come for me here at the War 
Office at 6 o'clock?" 

"Yes, General," answered the girl. 



92 FUNNY STORIES 

At six o'clock, military-like, the General was on 
the steps awaiting his car. 

At three minutes past six it swung to the curb. The 
General, with his eyes a-twinkle, said to the girl, as 
he took out his watch : "You are three minutes late." 

"That should hardly count with you, General," 
was the instant answer. "You are three years late." 

VERY GOOD, PUNCH 

A Chertsey pig-breeder has been granted total 
exemption. The pen, it seems, is still mightier than 
the sword. — Punch* 

HE KNEW ABOUT COWS 

Mrs. Parker — "Now, young man, why aren't you 
at the Front?" 

Young Man (milking cow) — "'Cos there ain't 
any milk that end, missus !" 

WILLING TO TREAT 

Examining Surgeon — "Have you any scars ?" 
Rookie Marine Applicant — "No, sir; but I have 
some cigarets in my coat over there." 

AND FULL OF TABASCO 

"Are they seasoned troops?" 
"They ought to be. They were first mustered in 
by their officers, and then peppered by the enemy." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 93 

CAUSE FOR DEPRESSION 

"No, my 'usband ain't killed, Mrs. Marks. No 
sooner did I put all the kids in mournin', even to 
Biby in the pram, when I gets a telegram a say in' 
'e's alive and well. Yes, an' all this expense for 
nothin'." 

"Wot a crool shame!" 

ENOUGH TO WARRANT EXEMPTION 

Recruiting Officer — "How about joining the 
colors? Have you anyone dependent on you?" 

Motorist — "Have I? There are two garage own- 
ers, six mechanics, four tire dealers, and every gaso- 
line agent within a radius of 125 miles." 

CHANGED HIS TUNE 

Cockney Tommy (surveying fat German soldier 
who, being brought in a prisoner, still has his hands 
up) : "Blow me if this ain't the old blighter who 
used to play, 6 I fear no foe in shining armor' dahn ahr 
street." 

FROM HIS POINT OF VIEW 

It is, of course, well known that Sir Douglas Haig 
is a soldier first, last and all the time, regarding all 
other professions as of quite negligible importance, 
a trait in his character which lends point to the 
anecdote. 

He was, it appears, inspecting a cavalry troop, 



94 FUNNY STORIES 

and was particularly struck with the neat way in 
which repairs had been made in some of the saddles. 

"Very good work," he remarked to the troop ser- 
geant-major. "Who did it?" 

"Two of my troopers, sir," was the reply. 

"You're fortunate to have two such expert sad- 
dlers in your troop," said Haig. 

"As a matter of fact, sir," was the reply, "they're 
not saddlers, in civil life being lawyers." 

"Well," ejaculated Sir Douglas, "how men who 
can do work like that could have wasted their lives 
over law I can't imagine !" 

THOSE PET NAMES FOR OFFICERS 

A very tall, thin lieutenant reported in Flanders 
to a Canadian battalion commanded by a bald, elderly 
colonel. After a few days he approached his com- 
mander and asked permission to air a grievance. 

"I wish you would use your influence, sir, to re- 
strain my platoon from referring to me as 'Legs,' " 
he said. 

"Sure, my lad, sure," replied the Colonel solemnly, 
"if you'll use yours to stop my whole battalion call- 
ing me 'Old Baldy.' " 

TOO MUCH HARVARD 

"That 'ere Yank's an educated toff from 'arvard," 
said Tommy Atkins, leaning on his spade. "I'm jolly 
well weary of 'is learnin', too, that I am. We're 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 95 

ordered to throw up trenches along the Marne, and 
as 'e picks up 'is spade, th' bloomin' college blighter 
says, says ? e: 'Well, Tommy, come on; it looks 
like we're infra dig !' And wot I says is : Blarst a 
college education, anyhow, eh?" 

WOULDN'T INSULT THE JACK 

On a road in Belgium a German officer met a boy 
leading a jackass, and addressed him in heavy jovial 
fashion as follows: 

"That's a fine jackass you have, my son. What 
do you call it? . . . Albert, I bet!" 

"Oh, no, officer," the boy replied quickly. "I think 
too highly of my King." 

The German scowled and returned: "I hope you 
don't dare to call it William." 

"Oh, no, officer. I think too highly of my jackass." 

ONE WAY TO GET EVEN 

Here is a story our wounded boys have brought 
back from the front about Sir Douglas Haig. 

Sir Douglas was in a great hurry to get to a cer- 
tain place. He found his car, but the chauffeur was 
missing. So Sir Douglas got in the car and drove 
off by himself. Then the driver appeared and saw 
the car disappearing in the distance. 

"Great Scot !" cried the driver, "there's 'Aig 
a-driving my car !" 

"Well, get even with him," said a Tommy, stand- 
ing by, "and go and fight one of 'is battles for him." 



96 FUNNY STORIES 

"HONEY" DRAWS THE LINE 

I've beamed when you hollered, "Oh, Girlie!" 

I've hopped when you bellowed, "Oh, say !" 
I've fallen for "Dearie" and "Missus," 

And everything else till today. 
But there's one thing that's got to be different, 

From now till the Great War is done — 
Unless you're prepared for a riot, 

You've got to quit calling me "Hun !" 

WILLING TO EXPLAIN 

Staff Colonel— "Your reports should be written 
in such manner that even the most ignorant may 
understand them." 

Sergeant — "Well, sir, what part is it that you 
don't understand?" 
it 

CAUSE FOR ANNOYANCE 

The latest example of English as she is spoken 
comes from Egypt, where a native interpreter, who 
had overstayed his leave, wrote the following letter 
to his chief: 

"My absence is impossible. Someone has removed 
my wife. My God, I am annoyed." 

SHE KNEW HIS MERITS 

Her son had enlisted, and she was a proud old 
woman as she harangued a knot of friends on the 
village street. "Jarge always done 'is duty by me, 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 9T 

'e did, an' now Vs doin' 'is duty by King an' coun- 
try," she said. "I feel right down sorry for them 
Germans, to think of 'im goin' into battle with 'is 
rifle in 'is 'and and 'It's a Long Way to Tipperary' 
on 'is lips." 

"Poor Germans, indeed!" exclaimed one of the 
audience. "Pity's wasted on 'em! PVaps you 
'aven't 'eard of their cruelties?" 

"P'r'aps I 'aven't," agreed the old lady. "An 9 
p'raps you 'aven't 'eard Jarge sing." 

CENSORING THE CLOUDS 

Rural Constable — "Sketching the harbor is for- 
bidden, sir." 

Artist — "Oh, that's all right. I'm making a study 
of clouds." 

Rural Constable (impressively) — "Ah, but sup- 
posin' your picture got into the hards of the enemy's 
aircraft department, see the use they could make of 
it!"— Pimch. 

IT CAN'T BE DONE 

All this talk of hyphenated citizenship has evi- 
dently had its effect upon a San Francisco young- 
ster, American-born, who recently rebelled fiercely 
when his Italian father whipped him for some mis- 
demeanor. 

"But, Tommaso, your father has a right to whip 
you when you are bad," someone of the family said. 



98 FUNNY STORIES 

Tommaso's eyes flashed. "I am a citizen of the 
United States," he declared. "Do you think I am 
going to let any foreigner lick me ?" 

A TWO-BIT HERO 

"I'm going to decorate you for bravery, Mr. 

Wadleigh. Put this French war-orphan medal on 

your coat." 

"But I haven't performed any deed of heroism." 
"But you will when you give up twenty-five cents." 

ONE OF THE FEW THAT HAVE 

"Can you tell me," said the Court, addressing 
Enrico Ufuzzi, under examination at Union Hill, 
N. J., as to his qualifications for citizenship, "the 
difference between the powers and prerogatives of 
the King of England and those of the President of 
the United States?" 

"Yezzir," spoke up Ufuzzi promptly. "King, he 
got steady job." 

HOWL INDEFINITELY POSTPONED 

One of the good stories in circulation is told by 
Joe Tumulty, secretary to the President. He likes 
his job, but he dislikes one thing about it: that he 
can't tell the boys — the friendly reporters — about all 
they wish to know. He illustrated his inability to 
give information once by quoting the case of Johnny. 

Johnny was crying in the hall as his mother came 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 99 

along, hatted and coated. She asked what had hap- 
pened. 

"You are going away ; and so is papa !" Johnny 
sobbed. 

"Why, child, I shall be away two or three days, but 
father is not going away !" 

"Yes, he is!" cried Johnny. "He's going to 
Rome." 

"Rome? What do you mean, dear?" asked the 
surprised mother. 

"He said today to Mr. Brown that he would make 
Rome howl when you left!" 

"Indeed! Well, dear, I sha'n't leave you now." 

AND THEY DRINK GRAPE JUICE 

A torpedo with a corkscrew course has been ob- 
served. If it misses the port side it turns and strikes 
the starboard; sometimes on missing there it even 
turns again, striking the port side. The ship's officer 
unaccountably omitted to add that after the explosion 
the fragments reunite and return to the submarine 
as a complete missile ready to be fired anew. — New 
York Sun. 

LESS METERS, LESS GAS 

John — "The French have gained four hundred 
meters from the enemy." 

Auntie — "How splendid! That should help to 
put a stop to those dreadful gas-attacks !" 



100 FUNNY STORIES 

YOU KNOW THAT PAPER 

First War Corre^ ondent — "Did your dispatch get 
past the censor?" 

Second War Correspondent — "Only the part that 
wasn't true." 

"Well, isn't that all your paper wants?" — Life. 

CHANGE TO GET EVEN 

"Footlyte actually seemed pleased at leaving a 
$300-per-week theatrical engagement to serve as a 
$30-per-month sergeant in France." 

"Why not? Three dramatic critics are privates in 
his company." 

THE WAY THINGS LOOKED IN 1916 

"Before I left the United States," said Col. George 
Harvey in London, "I agreed with a Columbia pro- 
fessor who said preponderant power in men and 
money was bound to win the war ; but now I have a 
stronger argument — one which fell from the lips of 
a recruiting sergeant in the Strand yesterday. 

" 'Don't you want to be on the winning side ?' said 
the soldier to a group of civilians who he was sug- 
gesting should don khaki. 

" 'How do you know ours will be the winning side?' 
asked a prospective recruit. 

" 'Well, my lad,' said the sergeant, 'you know the 
Germans have been trying for more than a year and a 
half to win and have failed, don't you?' 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 101 

"'Yes,' replied the questioner. 
" 'Well, then, we've been trying to lose during the 
same period and we couldn't.' " 

CAUSE FOR REJOICING 

As the regiment was leaving, and a crowd cheering, 
a recruit asked: "Who are all those people who are 
cheering?" 

"They," replied the veteran, "are the people who 
are not going." — Life. 

BUT NOT THIS TIME 

Officer (to boy of thirteen who, in his effort to 
get taken on as a bugler, has given his age as six- 
teen) — "Do you know where boys go who tell lies?" 

Applicant — "To the front, sir." 

EVIDENCE OF REFINEMENT 

Two fair munition workers were discussing their 
personal affairs. 

"Got a chap yet, Liz ?" inquired one. 

"Yes; and he's a regular toff. He's manager 
at ." 

"You don't say so! Why, they tell me he's real 
refined." 

"Rather! Why, he took me to a restaurant last 
week, and when we had coffee he poured it into a 
saucer to cool it, but he didn't blow it like common 
people would — he fanned it with his hat!" 



102 FUNNY STORIES 

EVENING THINGS UP 

A farmer the other day took a plowshare to the 
blacksmith's to be sharpened, and while the black- 
smith worked the farmer chuckled and bragged about 
a sale of hogs he had just made. 

"Them hogs was only eight months old," he said, 
"and none too fat, nuther ; but I seen that the buyer 
was at his wits' end, and by skillful jugglin' I boosted 
up the price on him just 300 per cent. Yes, by gum, 
I got three times more for them hogs than I uster 
get before the war." 

The plowshare being done, the farmer handed the 
smith 50 cents. 

"Hold on," said the smith; "I charge $1.50 for 
that job now." 

"You scandalous rascal!" yelled the farmer. 
"What do you mean by treblin' your price on me? 
What have you done it for?" 

"I've done it," said the blacksmith, "so's I'll be 
able to eat some of that high-priced pork of yours 
this winter." 

AN INTERIOR PROBLEM 

"Those Germans are certainly efficient," said 
father at the breakfast table. 

"How so ? How ?" asked mother. 

"Why," said father, "I see they have put the 
whole question of the food supply into the hands of 
the Minister of the Interior." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 103 

BEEN "GETTING UP" EVER SINGE 

When Gen. Leonard Wood was a small boy he was 
called up in the grammar class. 

The teacher said: "Leonard, give me a sentence 
and we'll see if we can change it to the imperative 
mood." 

"The horse draws the cart," said Leonard. 

"Very good. Now change it to an imperative." 

"Get up !" said young Wood. 

MERELY A WAY-STATION 

"Going to France ?" asked a traveling man at the 
station of a negro soldier. 

"No, sah ! I'se not going to France," replied the 
dusky soldier. "I'se goin' to Berlin, but I may stop 
in France for a showt time on de way." 

OBEYING ORDERS 

He was a new and not very intelligent soldier, and 
took Army Regulations very seriously. He was 
strolling down the Strand smoking a pipe, when he 
was passed by a Brigadier-General. When he failed 
to salute, the mighty one pulled him up. 

"Why the deuce didn't you salute me ?" he roared. 

"Well, sir," replied the delinquent, secure in the 
consciousness of an adequate excuse, "my sergeant 
has always taught me never to salute with a pipe in 
my mouth !" 



104 FUNNY STORIES 

NO ABSENT TREATMENT WANTED 

A party of wounded marines were being taken 
to a base-hospital on a much over-crowded motor- 
truck. The nurse accompanying them became anx- 
ious about their wounds. 

"I hope I am not hurting any of you," she said. 

"You're hurting me a lot," replied one of the 
soldiers. 

"But I am nowhere near you," exclaimed the 
nurse indignantly. 

"That's what's hurting me," was the calm reply. 

CAUSE FOR CONFIDENCE 

An English private had captured a German cap- 
tain. Tommy marched his prisoner into headquar- 
ters with the air of a major-general on parade and 
stood waiting for his turn to deliver over his captive. 

The German captain smirked disdainfully, glanced 
about the tent, and hissed at Tommy, "You stupid 
English, you dink dat you vill vin dis var. Veil, I 
tell you dot you von't, for ve haf the German Gott 
on our side." 

"That's all right, old boy," replied Tommy 
promptly, "we've got the Yanks on ours." 

JUST GOT ON TO IT 

Captain: "You say this man called you a hippo- 
potamus four weeks ago. Why report it now?" 

Sergeant: "Because I only seen a hipperpotamus 
for the first time yesterday, sir!" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 105 

READY FOR ANY SNAKE 

"This is no time to talk peace," declared Repre- 
sentative Thomas Heflin, of Alabama. "Rather it is 
the time to keep on preparing. Germany dragged 
us into this war against our will, and now that we are 
in it we have to go through with it. We can win this 
war in a year beyond doubt, but we have got to keep 
going. The United States is in pretty good shape 
now, and there is no reason why we should talk peace. 

"There was an old fellow down in north Alabama 
and out in the mountains ; he kept his jug in the hole 
of a log. He would go down at sundown to take a 
swig of mountain dew — mountain dew that had never 
been humiliated by a revenue officer nor insulted by 
a green stamp. He drank that liquid concoction that 
came fresh from the heart of the corn, and he glowed. 
One evening while he was letting the good liquor 
trickle down his throat he felt something touch his 
foot. He looked down and saw a big rattlesnake 
coiled ready to strike. 

"The old fellow took another swig of the corn, 
and in defiance he swept that snake with his eyes. 

" * Strike, dern you, strike ; you will never find me 
better prepared.' 

"That's the way I feel about the present situation," 

DID HE GET HER MEANING? 

"If you refuse to marry me I'll enlist." 

"What a pity you did not ask me four years agoJ 9 



106 FUNNY STORIES 

IT'S THE SHELLS 

Waiter — "Yes, sir ; omelets has gone up on account 
of the war." 

Diner — "Great Scott! Are they throwing eggs 

at each other now?" 

i 

OFFENSIVE PREPARATIONS 

German General — "Have our brave troops been 
informed that we shall be in Paris in four days?" 

Subordinate — "Yes, General." 

"They understand that the Great War was forced 
upon us ?" 

"Perfectly, General." 

"They have been told that the Americans always 
kill our machine gunners if they surrender?" 

"That is well understood, General." 

"They have been instructed that the few Ameri- 
cans opposed to us are cowardly and inexperienced ?" 

"Hand-bills announcing that fact are passed 
around each evening." 

"Then let the offensive begin." 

GETTING BACK AT HEINE 

A German sergeant on the staff of a prison hos- 
pital in Germany, where a number of captured Eng- 
lish officers were being treated, became quite friendly 
with the prisoners under his care. One day he told 
them that he had been ordered to active service on 
the Somme front. He felt convinced that he would 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 107 

be captured by the English, and asked the English 
officers if they would not give him some sort of testi- 
monial which he could show if he were taken prisoner, 
so he would not be ill-treated. 

The English officers were much amused at this idea, 
and concocted a note of introduction, written in Eng- 
lish. The German sergeant knew no English and 
could not understand his testimonial, but he tucked 
it in his pocket, well satisfied. 

In due time he was sent to the Somme front, and 
was captured by the "women from hell," as the Ger- 
mans call the Scotch kilties. He at once presented 
his note of introduction, and his captors laughed 
heartily when they read : 

"This is L . He is not a bad sort of chap. 

Don't shoot him ; torture him slowly to death." 

ZOOLOGICAL MONSTROSITY 

When certain soldiers from the antipodes were in 
New York a little while ago, a woman was heard to 
say to another: 

"There goes one of them Australians." 

"How do you know?" 

"You can tell by the Kangaroo feathers in his 
hat." 

NOT WANTED ANYWHERE 

"This can't be hell — there are no Germans here." 
"Yes, it is; but the regular people put up such a 
kick, we built an annex for them." — Life. 



108 FUNNY STORIES 

THERE WAS A PAIR OF THEM 

A private of a well-known regiment, who was 
always wanting leave on some excuse or other, ap- 
plied at the orderly room and asked his commanding 
officer if he might have a few days' leave, as his wife 
was ill and had sent him a letter asking him to come 
at once. 

But his commanding officer, getting tired of his 
always wanting leave, said : "This is strange, Private 
Cheek, as only this morning I received a letter from 
your wife, saying she did not want you to see her 
any more, so hoped I would not grant you leave." 

Private Cheek — "Then I suppose I can't have 
leave, sir?" 

Commanding Officer — "No, you cannot." 

Private Cheek (turns as he gets to the door) — 
"Sir, may I compliment you?" 

Commanding Officer — "Yes, certainly; on what?" 

Private Cheek — "In having two such lovely liars 
in the regiment, because I'm not married at all," 

NOT AS INTENDED 

Queen Mary sent a beautiful bouquet that had 
been presented to her to a soldiers' hospital. To 
show their appreciation, the inmates commissioned 
one of their number to stand at the hospital gate the 
following morning, holding the gift, when the queen 
passed. He did so — with rather unexpected results. 
Queen Mary, seated in her car, saw the soldier stand- 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 109 

ing there, bouquet in hand, and assuming that he 
wished to present it to her, she reached out and took 
it. After she had thanked him, her car passed on. 
The soldier stood quite dumfounded — then recov- 
ering his speech, he said : "Well, she's pinched 'em." 

CHEERING NEWS 

War Correspondent in France — "My editor seems 
very disappointed; what news can I send to cheer 
him up?" 

Soldier — "Write and tell him you've been killed 
in action." 

WHY THIS DELAY? 

Ensign Paul Perez, formerly well known to the 
screen, is back from another trip to Europe with a 
brand new seasick story. An amateur navigator 
making his first trip across is the victim and the first 
day out he was in the throes of the mal-est mal de mer 
extant when the ship surgeon visited him in his state- 
room. 

"What's the matter?" was the latter's callous 
query. 

"O-o-oh," was the only response as the young navy 
man rolled over in agony. 

"Come, get up," derided the surgeon, grinning 
unfeelingly. "The ship's been submarined and will 
sink in ten minutes." 

"Ten minutes?" the sick man protested feebly. 
"Can't you make it any sooner?" 



110 FUNNY STORIES 

PERHAPS YOU HAVE WONDERED 

A doughboy is an American soldier, and American 
soldiers, infantrymen, artillerymen, medical depart- 
ment, signal corps sharps, officers and men alike, all 
are called doughboys. Our cartoonist is one, so is 
General Pershing. 

The term "doughboys" dates back to the Civil 
War when army wit was aroused by large globular 
brass buttons on infantry uniforms. Somebody (he 
must have been a sailor) dubbed the buttons "dough- 
boys" because they reminded him of the boiled 
dumplings of raised dough served in ships' messes 
and known to all sailors as doughboys. Originally it 
referred only to an enlisted infantryman, but the A. 
E. F. applies it to all branches and all grades of the 
service. — The Stars and Stripes. 

NO GREEDS IN WARTIME 

A strict Baptist mother visited her son in one of the 
cantonments on a recent Sunday. She was deeply 
solicitous that her boy should receive proper re- 
ligious instruction. 

"Is there a Baptist preacher in camp?" asked the 
mother. The son did not know, but he would inquire. 
Yes, one was to hold a service that afternoon and give 
an address in a Y. M. C. A. hut. The two went and 
heard an inspiring address on how Christ is always 
the comrade of all men who fight for righteousness, 
even when they are not conscious of his presence. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 111 

The mother was delighted and after the service told 
the preacher how happy she was that her son could 
hear such good Baptist doctrine. 

"But, madam," said the speaker, "I am not a Bap- 
tist ; I am an Episcopalian." 

Thus are all denominational lines being battered 
down in the camps. 



BUT IT'S MEN WHO PAY THEM 

"It is remarkable that so many women should be 
working." 

"Women have always worked," replied Miss 
Cayenne. "The principal difference just now is that 
they are working away from home and getting paid 
for it." 



ACQUIRING WIFELY ARTS 

Harold, the only son of a wealthy widowed mother, 
was drafted, and duly arrived at the camp where he 
was to receive instruction in the manly art of war- 
fare. Imagine his surprise and chagrin when he was 
detailed to what is known as K. P. duty ("Kitchen 
police" duty). In this he became quite proficient, 
however, as one of his letters shows : 

"Dear Mother: — I put in this entire Christmas 
/lay washing dishes, sweeping floors, making beds 
and peeling potatoes. When I get home from this 
camp I'll make some girl a mighty fine wife !" 



112 FUNNY STORIES 

THE NERVE OF THE COOK 

One mess in the British front line was the envied 
of all the neighborhood units because it enjoyed fresh 
vegetables every day. The cook was often asked 
about it. "We get them from a garden near by," 
he always said. At last the supply ceased. The mess 
soon asked why. "We've had all there were," said the 
cook, "except a few that were right on the edge of 
the Boche trench." Then it turned out that he had 
gone out every night into "No Man's Land" and 
gathered green vegetables from a garden which ran 
right down to the German front line. 

FOOD WILL WIN THE WAR 

Sandy and Pat were discussing the war economies 
of their respective landladies. 

"Indade," said Pat, "the other day Oi saw that 
wumman O'Grady countin' the paes to put in the 
broth." 

* 4 Och," replied Sandy, "where I am the landlady 
melts the margarine an' paints it on yer bread wi' a 
brush!" 

GIVING THEM A SEND-OFF 

He was a wounded soldier who was traveling in a 
train. At a point on the line where it ran parallel 
with the road he saw a brand-new territorial battalion 
marching up to the front. He stuck his bandaged 
bead out of the door and yelled, "Are you dahn- 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 113 

hearted?" The Terriers, from the colonel to the 
smallest drummer, shouted, "No-o-oh !" The wounded 
man replied: "Well, you d — d soon will be when you 
get in those trenches." 

DON'T BELIEVE ALL YOU HEAR 

Private A — "Some funny things hev happened in 
this war. I heard of a bloke the other day who lost 
his right hand and didn't know it till he tried to take 
a package of fags out of his pocket !" 

Private B — "That's not so bad ; but I heard of a 
bloke who got his head shot off and didn't know it 
till he tried to scratchfit !". 

YOU'VE SEEN THEM 

Dasher — "I don't believe the war-films we saw last 
night were taken at the front." 

Mrs. Dasher — "Of course they were; didn't you 
notice the bullet-holes at the end of each reel?" — 
Puck. 

PLACING THE BLAME 

A sergeant and a private were out sniping. The 
private was troubled with a cold, and was continually 
sneezing, which rather annoyed and put the ser- 
geant's shots off their mark. 

"Confound you, Coldhead," yelled the enraged 
sergeant at last, "you made me miss again." 

"Well, I didn't do nothing, sergeant," exclaimed 
the private, amazed. 



114 FUNNY STORIES 

"Yes, you did. It was your blinkin' sneeze." 
"I didn't sneeze," again protested the private. 
"Of course you didn't," roared the sergeant. "It's 

the first bloomin' time you've missed, and — I allowed 

for it, you chump !" 

PROOF POSITIVE 

A "Jack Johnson" had exploded with a deafening 
roar, and Murphy, wiping his eyes clear of mud with 
his respirator, looked round to see Clancy, his chum, 
lying very still. 

"Spake to me, Terence !" he whispered. "Are ye 
alive or dead?" 

"Dead!" faintly murmured Clancy. 

"What a liar the man is!" soliloquized Murphy, 
much relieved. 

Then Clancy sat up. 

"Ye know I must be dead, Murphy," he said, "or 
it isn't the likes of you would be calling me a liar !" 

CARBOLIC STARTED THIS 

J. F. Hartz, of Detroit, the dean of the American 
Surgical Trade Association, said at the fiftieth an- 
nual convention in New York : 

"The war has kited the price of carbolic acid up 
to $1.65 a pound — it sold before the war at 9 cents 
a pound. The hospitals that use carbolic now have 
to be as economical and sparing as old Josh Lee. 

"Old Josh Lee was a miser, and he breakfasted 
every morning on oatmeal. To save fuel, he cooked 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 115 

his week's supply of oatmeal on Sundays. This sup- 
ply, by the time Saturday came round, was pretty 
stiff and tough and hard to down. 

"One Saturday morning old Josh found his oat- 
meal particularly unappetizing. It had a crust on it 
like iron. He took a mouthful of the cold, stiff 
mixture — then he half rose, thinking he'd have to 
cook himself some eggs. 

"But he hated to give in. He hated to waste that 
oatmeal. So he took out the whisky-bottle, poured 
a generous glass, and setting it before his plate, he 
said: 

" 'Now, Josh, if you eat that oatmeal you'll get 
this whisky ; and if you don't, you won't.' 

"The oatmeal was hard to consume, but Josh, with 
his eye on the whisky, managed it. Then, when the 
last spoonful was gone, he grinned broadly, poured 
the whisky back into the bottle again, and said : 

"'Josh, my son, I fooled you that time, you old 
idiot!'" 

BY JOVE, QUITE RIPPING 

Everybody who has been in Epsom has seen the big 
gates on which are perched two stone dogs. An 
American officer saw them recently for the first time. 

He approached a native with a joke on his lips, 
expecting to see it fall flat, as he had been taught 
would be the case. "When do they feed these dogs ?" 
he asked. 

"When they bark," said the Epsomite, and now 



116 FUNNY STORIES 

this particular American is more of an admirer of 
Englishmen than ever. 

FROM SANTA GLAUS IN WASHINGTON 

At one stage of the war Uncle Sam's steamers cross- 
ing the Atlantic had enormous stars and stripes 
painted on both sides of their hulls, bow and stern* 
and between these flags the space was occupied by 
the ship's name. At night brilliant lights illuminated 
the whole gaudy color scheme. A steamer so deco- 
rated was signaled by a British cruiser, "What ship 
is that?" The reply came: "United States mail 
steamer So-and-So." Said the cruiser: "Thanks. 
Thought you were a Christmas tree out of season." — 
London Opinion. 

THIS BEATS ALL 

A young French officer, speaking of bravery on 
the field of battle, tells this story on himself: "I was 
in front of my section at night, when suddenly, about 
ten feet away, I saw a line of enemy riflemen. I told 
my men to lie down. Then I looked closely, and very 
clearly made out moving helmets. With my men 
behind me we all suddenly arose and charged. I went 
ahead and, revolver in hand, I threw myself forward, 
shouting in German with all my strength: 'Sur- 
render ! You are prisoners !' only to find that we had 
charged several rows of beet stalks with their heads 
nodding in the wind." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 117 

PAT WAS STRINGING HIM 

"Well, Pat, my good man, what did you do?" 
inquired a patronizing stranger of the Irishman back 
in London on leave, with his arm in a sling. 

The stranger's air annoyed Pat, who blandly said : 
"Faith, an' I walked up to one of them an' cut off 
his feet." 

"Cut off his feet ! Why not his head?" 
"Sure, an' that was already cut off." 

ANOTHER HUN ATROCITY 

An officer recently on leave brought home and gave 
to a lady a bottle of eau de cologne found in a Ger- 
man colonel's dugout. 

She was at a dinner party shortly afterwards, ex- 
hibited it, and she and other ladies dabbed their faces 
with the perfume. 

The room became very warm, and soon they were 
horrified by the appearance of black stains on their 
features. 

The stuff was a hair dye, which only developed its 
color when heated. The worst of it was the stains 
did not disappear for some days. 

KNEW HIM WELL 

First Tommy — "Here's a nice letter for a fellow to 
receive ! The scoundrel who wrote it calls me a 
blithering idiot." 

Second Tommy — "What's his name?" 



118 FUNNY STORIES 

First Tommy — "That's just what I'd like to find 
out ; but there's no signature." 

Second Tommy — "Don't you recognize the writ- 
ing? It must be somebody who knows you." 

ENOUGH TO MAKE A KING LAUGH 

A gallant British officer, granted leave, went to 
London to get married, and upon his arrival was 
very much astonished to receive a summons from 
the King to an "audience" at five o'clock in the 
afternoon. He was married at four o'clock, and so, 
after the ceremony, he drove to Buckingham Palace, 
and said to his bride : "Now, if you will wait in the 
carriage I won't be more than half an hour. These 
audiences are always very perfunctory and brief." 

When he was received by the King he found, how- 
ever, that he was quite alone, was received most in- 
formally, and that His Majesty was very keen to 
know of the officer's exploits and movements at the 
front. Then, before the officer was aware how time 
had flown, His Majesty said: "We have dinner in 
half an hour and of course you will stay. The ladies 
will want to hear your story." 

The officer had not the courage to tell the King 
that his bride of an hour had already been waiting in 
the carriage for three hours, and so, finding no 
chance to send word out to her, he remained for din- 
ner. The dinner was very leisurely served, there 
was much talk about the front, and it was after ten 
o'clock when the party broke up. The officer was 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 119 

on edge to leave, when the King said: "You will 
be shown to jour room, and tomorrow morning I 
shall have something to give you." 

The officer thanked him, and, as he was going to 
his room, he called one of the equerries of the house- 
hold to him and confided to him his dilemma. Within 
five minutes there was a knock at the officer's door, 
and when he opened it the King stood there fairly 
convulsed with laughter. "My dear chap," said the 
King, "why didn't you tell me? Of course it was 
hard on you and your lady, but really this is the best 
joke I've heard for a long time." 

The bride was found, brought in, and under the 
King's and Queen's graciousness any feelings toward 
her new husband and his hosts which she may have 
had in her carriage wait of six hours melted away; 
and the happy bridal couple spent their marriage 
night at Buckingham Palace. 

TOO SLEEPY TO BE SCARED 

All Paris is laughing over the sangfroid of a 
young married midinette on the occasion of an air 
raid on Paris. 

The heroine resides on the top story of a large 
apartment house, and when the warning was given 
was sound asleep. 

The concierge, finding that she did not descend 
to the underground shelter, raced upstairs and banged 
at the door. 

After repeated hammerings he woke the lady up, 



120 FUNNY STORIES 

and called to her to immediately descend to the base- 
ment as a raid was on and she was in great danger on 
the top floor. 

The reply he got was : 

"Go away and let me sleep. My husband is in the 
trenches. Do you think he gets into a dugout every 
time a shell falls? Why should I, therefore, be 
frightened of an air raid?" 

SHE UNDERSTOOD WOMEN 

He wanted to buy a Christmas present for his girl 
back home, so that she could show it to all the other 
girls, and destroy their peace of mind because it had 
come from France. He knew just what he wanted, 
too, but every time he thought of going into the shop 
and trying to ask in French for the thing he wanted 
he got red behind the ears. He had gone over the 
top in the past, unafraid, but he couldn't do this. 

At last, when his leave was up, he went into the 
canteen and asked the Y. M. C. A. woman there to 
make the purchase for him. He gave her the address 
and hoped it wouldn't be too much trouble to send 
the package. 

"Of course it wouldn't," said the Y. M. C. A. 
woman, who buys dozens of such gifts each week. 
"I'll enjoy it. I'll see that the package goes all 
right, and, if you like, I'll write her a little note, too, 
telling her how well you're looking." 

"That will be nice," said the private. He counted 
out the money, a generous amount. Still he lingered, 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 121 

and it was evident that he had something else on his 
mind. 

"Anything else I can do for you?" asked the 
woman. 

"It's like this," began the private, hesitatingly. 
He stopped, swallowed, and started all over again. 
"Please be careful what you say in that note, won't 
you, ma'am? You see — my girl — she's funny about 
some things — she might think — well, you know how 
women are!" finished the private wisely. 

"I'll tell you what," said the American woman. 
"I'll tell her I enjoyed meeting you because I have a 
son in the army myself. Will that do ?" 

"That will be fine," said the private heartily. 
"I wouldn't have mentioned it, only you know how 
women are." He smiled at her understandingly, sa- 
luted, turned and went out. 

WELL, THAT WAS HIS COMPANY 

First Officer — "What was the joke about Lieu- 
tenant Footle?" 

Second Officer — "Why, the Maj or's wife said she'd 
be glad of his company at her house on Wednesday, 
and the silly ass took all his men along." 

SPOIL OF WAR 

The proudest Yankee in the whole advancing 
army that entered Saint Mihiel was the driver of a 
motor truck who, when he came within five miles of 
the town, discovered a little girl, four years old, with 



122 FUNNY STORIES 

a doll in her arms, sitting by the road, crying. The 
American immediately stopped the truck, gathered 
the little one in with her doll, put her on the seat 
of honor at his left, and thus drove into the town, to 
the joy of the Yankee soldiers when they discovered 
her. No one has claimed the little one and she is 
still the mascot of the company, as happy as a lark 
and, of course, literally spoiled to death by the wor- 
shiping soldiers, who give her so many sweets that 
the poor little one is sick about once a week. Then 
the boys take her to the base hospital and, after a 
day, she is back again as well as ever. 

CHEERFUL NEWS FROM 'OVER THERE' 

It's a shame to do it, but public safety impels us 
to expose the sergeant who is palming off his Mexi- 
can border service ribbon as an American croix de 
guerre, thereby raising his own holdings of "amour- 
ique Amerique" stock in the eyes of petite Madelon. 

Even so, sleeping on the rocks has its advantages, 
for in the rosy days of the future when friend wife 
turns the lock on our late nocturnal home-coming, we 
can curl up on the front porch with sleepf ul abandon. 

And when we are in the parlor with our best girl 
telling her of the great role we played in the world- 
safe-for-democracy drama, we'll not mind it a bit if 
the passing guard orders, "Camouflage those lights !" 

So many Yanks are over here now that there is 
scarcely room to house them, thereby creating the 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 123 

necessity of extending the eastern frontier of this 
domain of Foch, Pershing, et al. 

To our exchange desk has recently come a copy of 
the Kriegszeitung, the official organ of the Seventh 
German Army. The most we can say for the sheet 
is that it is Boche and bosh. 

What gets us guessing is how this daylight-saving 
plan works out in the land of Eskimos, but we sup- 
pose all they have to do is to get up six months earlier 
each morning. 

Elsie Janis danced so gracefully that, after she had 
alighted from a perfectly stunning flip-flop, a dough- 
boy in the third row was heard to remark : "Just like 
a wheelbarrow I saw in the air after a high explosive 
hit near it." 

Our staff correspondent who made the trip to 
Paris is recovering from a rather severe headache. 

Cursed be the mule whose braying is like unto the 
whistling of a shell. — The Ohio Rainbow Reveille, 
Official Organ, 166th Infantry, Somewhere in France. 

HE KNEW WHAT TO USE 

A sergeant standing at a window in the barracks 
saw a private pass in full-dress uniform, with a bucket 
in his hand in the act of fetching water from the 
pump. 

Sergeant — "Where are you going?" 

Private— "To fetch some water, sir." 

Sergeant — "Not in those trousers, surely?" 

Private — "No, sir; in the bucket." 



124 FUNNY STORIES 

THEY CANT WORK THIS ANY MORE 

A manufacturer in Switzerland who had been in the 
habit of purchasing many of his supplies in Ger- 
many before the war recently met a German com- 
mercial traveler with whom he had been accustomed to 
trade. The man smilingly offered his wares, but he 
was met with a peremptory refusal. 

"Is it because I am a German that you refuse to 
give me an order?" 

"Certainly," said the Swiss. 

"Have you had reason to complain of the way I 
have executed your orders in the past? You have 
not, have you? Very well, then, if you are friendly 
to France that is no reason why you should go against 
your own interests. You know very well that the 
goods you get of me will cost you at least twice as 
much if you buy them of French makers." 

"I know that, but I will make a sacrifice." 

The Boche traveler was not discouraged. "You 
are making a mistake," he remarked. "If you do 
business with us I will give you what no one in France 
can give you." 

"Very likely." 

"You have no doubt relatives who are French 
soldiers." 

"Certainly." 

"Listen to me," said the Boche, interrupting him. 
"There is, perhaps, one who has the misfortune to be 
a prisoner in our country. Give me your usual o^der, 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 125 

tell me the name of the prisoner, one, no more, and I 
swear to you that I will secure his release as perma- 
nently disabled." 

The salesman was asked to repeat his offer. He 
did so, and the merchant said : "Very well ; I will try 
you to see whether you keep your word." 

"Try me and see," answered the German. 

The manufacturer gave the order so ardently de- 
sired, and furnished the traveler with the name and 
address of one of his nephews who was a prisoner in 
Prussia. A week later the nephew arrived in Switzer- 
land, with a number of prisoners who were totally 
disabled, astounded at his liberty, because he was per- 
fectly well! — Ladies 9 Home Journal. 

IMPORTANT INFORMATION WANTED 

Officer — "Now, Private Jenkins, I am going 1 to 
give you a very responsible j ob. Under our advanced 
trench is a large mine. I want you to stay there, 
and when the mine goes up I want you to blow this 
whistle. Now, do you clearly understand?" 

Private Jenkins — "Well, there's one thing I'm not 
certain of, sir. When do I blow the whistle — going 
up or coming down?" 

THAT WAS THE HYMN NUMBER 

A soldier got mixed recently. He tells about it in 
a letter home : "They put me in barracks ; they took 
away my clothes and put me in khaki ; they took away 



126 FUNNY STORIES 

my name and made me 'No. 575 ;' they took me to 
church, where I'd never been before, and they made 
me listen to a sermon for forty minutes. Then the 
parson said: 'No. 575, art thou weary, art thou 
languid?' and I got seven days in the guardhouse 
because I answered that I certainly was." 

TEMPORARY 

Miranda's dropt her fancy-work and sailed across 
the Straits 
As a temporary "lady of the lamp ;" 
And Jane's abandoned portraiture to wash the cups 
and plates 
Of the Tommies in a temporary camp ; 
And Ethel — nervy Ethel ! — is a motor-driving Waac, 

And fairly saved her special Brigadier 
The day that Fritz got busy and our line came surg- 
ing back 
In a temporary movement to the rear. 

A temporary Major they've contrived to make of Bob 

(He was always pretty hefty at his drill), 
While the rank of air-mechanic — and he hustles at 
his job — 

Is the temporary perquisite of Bill; 
Old Joseph drives a tractor most surprising true and 
straight 

(He's sixty, but a temporary sport), 
While Augustus sails the ocean as a temporary mate 

When he isn't in a temporary port. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 127 

There's a temporary shortage of the things we eat 
and wear, 
And the temporary pleadings of the Tank, 
Plus the temporary taxes that we're called upon to 
bear, 
Lead to temporary trouble at the bank ; 
The only things that haven't changed since Wilhelm 
butted in 
To show how Armageddon should be run 
Are the views of Thomas Atkins as to who is going 
to win, 
And his personal opinion of the Hun. 

— Punch. 

BOOZE FIGHTERS 

An inquisitive old lady asked a royal defense corps 
veteran what the letters "R. D. C." meant. 

"Reformed Drunkards' Corps, ma'am," he replied 
solemnly. 

"Dear me," she murmured, "what miracles those 
recruiting sergeants do perform !" 

VERY PROPER ANSWER 

A retired army officer tells of an army examiner 
who had before him a very dull candidate. The man 
proving, apparently, unable to make response to the 
most simple questions, the examiner finally grew 
impatient and, quite sarcastically, put this question : 

"Let it be supposed that you are a captain in com- 
mand of infantry. In your rear is an impassable 



128 FUNNY STORIES 

abyss. On both sides of you there rise perpendicular 
rocks of tremendous height. In front of you lies 
the enemy, outnumbering you ten to one. What, sir, 
in such an emergency, would you do?" 

"I think, sir," said the aspirant for military dis- 
tinction, "I would resign." 

WHAT DISCOURAGED HIM 

A sergeant was trying to drill a lot of raw re- 
cruits, and after working hard for three hours he 
thought they seemed to be getting into some sort of 
shape, so decided to test them. 

"Right turn!" he cried. Then, before they had 
ceased to move, came another order, "Left turn !" 

One hoodlum left the ranks and started off toward 
the barracks-room. 

"Here, you !" yelled the angry sergeant. "Where 
are you going?" 

"I've had enough," replied t T recruit in a dis- 
gusted tone. "You don't know your own mind for 
two minutes runnin'!" 

GOING SOMEWHERE 

A colored soldier on the fighting front got a two 
days' leave shortly after the signing of the armistice, 
and immediately prepared to make a date in the 
French capital. When leaving the front, however, 
he got held up by a French sentry, who was unable 
to understand Sam's explanations. Sam accordingly 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 129 

talked louder and louder, shaking his fist at the 
Frenchman, who threatened to shoot if Sam pro- 
ceeded. Finally Sam said : "Looka here, boss, I got 
a mother in heaven, a father in the other place, and 
a sweetheart in Paris, and I'm agoin' to see one of 'em 
tonight." 

OUTRANKED IN THE KITCHEN 

The son of the well-to-do family had recently 
joined up as a private, and was spending his 
Christmas leave at home. 

Returning from a walk, his mother espied a figure 
in the kitchen with the housemaid. 

"Clarence," she called to her son, "Mary's got 
someone in the kitchen. She knows perfectly well that 
I don't allow followers. I wish you'd go and tell the 
man to leave the house at once." 

Clarence duly dep< . *ed to the kitchen, but returned 
in about half a minute. 

"Sorry, mother, but I can't turn him out." 

"Can't turn him out? Why on earth not?" 

"He's my sergeant!" 

SURPRISE FOR THE GERMANS 

It was during the nerve racking pd*iod of waiting 
for the signal to attack that a seasoned old sergeant 
noticed a young soldier fresh from home visibly 
affected by the nearness of the coming fight. His face 
was pale, his teeth chattered, and his knees tried to 



130 FUNNY STORIES 

touch each other. It was sheer nervousness, but the 
sergeant thought it was sheer funk. 

"Tompkins," he said, "is it trembling you are for 
your skin?" 

"No, no, sergeant," said he, making a brave at- 
tempt to still his limbs. "I'm trembling for the Ger- 
mans — they don't know I'm here." 

NO LEAD PIPE CINCH 

"Conscription has, maybe, saved the country," 
growled the soldier, "but what I object to is the 
company it drives a man into. I'm a plumber by 
trade, an honest workman, yet I'm compelled to 
suffer the society of such professionals as a lawyer, 
a minister, and an auctioneer." 

"Not a bad selection, Jock," remarked his friend. 

"O, maybe no in a way; but when the minister 
and the lawyer start an argument on Egyptian law 
in the middle o' the nicht across half a dozen beds, 
wi' the blessed auctioneer as umpire, what chance 
has even a plumber of stopping the gas leak?" 

SERVED HIM RIGHT! 

A professor at Princeton who has taken much in- 
terest in the woman suffrage movement was per- 
suaded to carry a banner in a wartime parade held in 
Washington. 

His wife observed him marching with a dejected 
air and carrying his banner so that it hung limply 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 131 

on its standard, and later she reproved him for not 
making a better appearance. 

"Why didn't you march like somebody, and let 
the people see your banner?" she asked. 

"Dearie," sighed the professor, "did you see what 
was on that banner? It read, 'Any man can vote. 
Why can't I?"' 

QUITE A CONTRAST 

It's all a matter of comparison, according to H. T. 
Webster, the cartoonist, who told the following as 
proof at a race meeting of the Salmagundi Club : 

"Shrapnel shrieked all about. Bombs dropped 
from the sky, and every so often a big German shell 
burst overhead. Suddenly one Yank burst into a 
fit of laughter. 

"'S'matter, Buddy?" his mate asks, fearing that 
he had suddenly gone insane. 

"'I was thinkin', Bill,' replied the other between 
chuckles, 'of the runt that held me up one night in 
Memphis with a 22-caliber revolver.' " 

AND HOLDING IT YET 

Gen. Von Spew sat in his room and studied the 
map. Then he rang the bell at his elbow. In came 
Dunderkopf, his aide-de-camp. 

"Dunderkopf, glance over this map. Do you see 
this hill?" 

"I do, Excellency." 



132 FUNNY STORIES 

"That hill must be captured. Attend to the mat- 
ter and let me know when it is done." 

Twenty minutes passed and there was a knock 
at the door. Dunderkopf strode in, clicked his heels 
together and saluted. 

"I have the honor to announce, Excellency, that 
the hill has been captured." 

"Already captured! Fine, my son, fine! Who 
occupies it?" 

"The Americans, Excellency." 

FOOLING THE COOTIES 

I wrote to my brother in France, who had been in 
action, asking if he had acquired "cooties." His 
reply came back, "Yes, indeed, I had cooties. One 
is not a regular soldier until he does have them, 
but I got rid of mine in this fashion : I sprinkled my 
clothes all over with salt, then laid them down on 
a river bank. The cooties became very thirsty and 
got off the clothes to get a drink, then I pulled 
them away quickly. Nine-tenths of the cooties died 
from mortification and the other tenth from lone- 
someness." 

THIS IS A MAN 

Edith Wharton, at her flat in Paris, told a war 
story. 

"The American wounded were being brought in 
from the Marne battlefield," she said, "and a fussy 
American woman in a khaki uniform and Sam 
Browne belt bent over a stretcher and said: 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 133 

" 'Is this case an officer or only a man ?' 
"The brawny corporal who stood beside the 
stretcher gave a grim laugh and said : 

" 'Well, lady, he ain't no officer, but he's been hit 
twice in the innards, both legs is busted, he's got 
bullets in both arms and we dropped him three 
times without his lettin' out a squawk, so I guess 
we can call him a man.' " 



WANTED SOMETHING STATIONARY 

On an American transport two days out from 
New York: 

First Sambo, who is really enjoying the sea, to 
his dark companion, who has gone below: "Nigger! 
Come on up ! We're passing a ship !" 

Voice from below: "I don't want to see no ship. 
You jes' call me when we're passing a tree!" 

YET THEY FOUGHT NOBLY 

Two negroes were discussing the possibilities of 
being drafted. 

" 'Tain't gwine do 'em any good to pick on me," 
said Sam. "Ah certainly ain't gwine do any fightin'. 
Ah ain't lost nothin' oveh in France. Ah ain't got 
any quarrel with a-n-ybody, and dey kain't make me 
fight." 

The other pondered over this statement for a mo- 
ment. "Yo right," he said at length; "Uncle Sam 



134 FUNNY STORIES 

kain't make you fight. But he can take you where 
de fightin' is, and after that you kin use you' own 
judgment." 

PHYSICAL IMPOSSIBILITY 

During the fighting on the Aisne front one Amer- 
ican company pushed out far ahead and lost touch 
with the neighboring companies on either side. Their 
zeal in chasing the Germans was leading them into 
danger of being enfiladed by machine gun fire from 
the flanks. A ma j or stormed up to the captain. 

"Why the hell don't you hold your men back?" 
he yelled. 

"How the hell can I told 'em back when the whole 
German army can't?" 

THE QUICKER THE SOONER 

"Goodness!" gasped the sergeant of the guard, 
sticking his head out of the window, "what is the 
man playing at?" 

Private Murphy, who was on sentry go, was run- 
ning as hard as he could from end to end of his beat. 

"Hi, Mike!" yelled the noncom, "what's the trou- 
ble?" 

"Sure, an' there's no trouble at all, at all," replied 
Murphy, panting as he paused in his scurry. 

"Then what are you running for?" 

"Well, ain't I on duty here for two hours? I'm 
only trying to get me two hours done quick !" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 135 

TRANSPORTS OF JOY 

"Were you happy when you started for France ?" 
"Happy? We were in transports." 

WHERE HE IS EXPERT 

"So you've joined the Army, Mose?" 

"Yes, sah." 

"What branch of the service are you in?" 

"Well, sah. Ah's in de infantry, but when we 
get t' France Ah'se done asked de captain to put 
me on dat night-raid wo'k. Gittin' into de odder 
fellow's backyard durin' de night hours is a job dat 
ah considers mahs'l particularly experienced at." 

NO MULES IN THE AIR 

American Soldier: "So you are in the aviation 
corps. I thought you enlisted in the cavalry?" 
Gentleman of Color: "Ah dun change." 
American Soldier : "What was the reason ?" 
Gentleman of Color : "Wal, suh, for one thing, an 
aeroplane, after it throws yo' out, very seldom walks 
over an' bites yo'." 

DEAR LITTLE BOY 

He was probably the smallest "middy" in the I 
navy, and one evening he was invited to attend a 
party in the saloon. He was such a little chap that 
the ladies had no idea that he was a midshipman at 
all, but took him for somebody's "dear little boy" 



136 FUNNY STORIES 

in a Royal Navy all-wool serge. At last one of 
them, on whose lap he had been sitting, and who 
had just kissed him, asked: 

"And how old are you, little dear?" 

"Twenty-two," he said, in a voice like a foghorn. 
Then the lady swooned. 

THEN SHE HAD THEM PRESSED 

A seasoned sergeant major recently was horrified 
to see a pair of shamelessly baggy trousers appear at 
the top of the window in the orderly room at a Lon- 
don depot. He shouted out what he thought, as they 
descended the ladder, and the face of a woman win- 
dow cleaner only completed his discomfiture. 

UNUSUAL OFFICER 

An Australian soldier had overstayed his leave. 
He knew his Commanding Officer was fed up with 
hard-luck excuses, so wired: 

"Not sick, nobody dead, got plenty of money, 
having a good time. Please wire two days' exten- 
sion." 

He got three. 

NOT SERIOUSLY DAMAGED 

Lieut. John Philip Sousa, while organizing mili- 
tary bands for the navy, was talking to a correspond- 
ent about the submarine danger. 

"A friend of mine, a cornet virtuoso," he said, 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 137 

"was submarined in the Mediterranean. The Eng- 
lish paper that reported the affair worded it thus : 
" 'The famous cornetist, Mr. Homblower, though 
submarined by the Germans in the Mediterranean, 
was able to appear at Marseilles the following even- 
ing in four pieces.' " 

ORDERS, BUT NO SALES 

"And what were you in civilian life?" asked the 
captain. 

"I was a traveling salesman, sir," replied the re- 
cruit. 

"That's all right, then. You'll get plenty of 
orders around here." 

THOSE FOOL QUESTIONS 

"Have you been to France?" 

"Yes. Came back last week." 

"Now, I wonder if you saw anything of that 
young nephew of mine out there — Smith is his 
name?" 

PROUD OF THEIR SOLDIERS 

"Our Joe's joined the army," announced Mary 
Brown, proudly, "an' 'e's gettin' on fine wiv 'is 
drill. In fac', when 'is regiment passed 'ere the 
other day hevery one wot was in it was out of step 
'cep' 'im." 

"O, that's nuffin," retorted Tommy Johnson. 



138 FUNNY STORIES 

"When our 'Arry went to the front the captain 'e 
shouted: 'Is Private 'Arry Johnson in the ranks?' 
'Yes,' sez somebody. 'Then let the war begin,' sez 
he." 

NOT FLATTERING HIM ANY 

First Soldier (looking at portraits of himself) — 
Which do you think is the best, Mike? 

Second Soldier — Well, personally I think the one 
of you in the gas mask is the best. 

ONLY KIND HE KNEW 

"I've just had some good news," said Bearnstean, 
upon meeting his friend Mr. Abrahams. "My son 
Solly has got a commission in the Army." 

"Go on," replied Abrahams, rubbing his hands; 
"how much?" 

NOT HIS KIND OF JEWELRY 

Tommy: "Look 'ere, Jack, now you're for 
Blighty, why don't you make up to Kitty? Go in 
and win, mate ! Upon my life she's a regular pearl !" 

Jack : "That may be, but I can't stand the mother 
of pearl." 

MORE DANGEROUS, ALSO 

Corp — Can you think of anything more unmili- 
tary than putting your hands in your pockets ? 

Sarg — Sure! Putting your hands in somebody 
else's pockets. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 139 

SAME IN ALL LANGUAGES 

Jack Tar: "How do you manage to get on so 
well with the French girls when you can't speak 
their lingo?" 

Soldier: "I'm surprised you're so slow. Can't 
you kiss a girl without a dictionary?" 

SHE KNEW JIM 

A soldier at the front got short of money, so he 
sent home the following letter: 

"Dear Mary — We lost a trench this morning, and 
we must replace it at any cost, so will you please 
send me $25 at once." 

Sad to say he had a wily wife, who sent the fol- 
lowing reply: 

"Dear Jim — Sorry, I have not $25 toward replac- 
ing the lost trench, but I enclose two candles to help 
you look for it." 

THEN HE GOT THIRTY DAYS K. P. 

The colonel had ridden his horse to town in the 
afternoon, and it was dark when he returned to camp. 
Some distance outside the guard line he was chal- 
lenged by a voice from the darkness : 

"Halt ! Who goes there?" 

"Colonel," he answered. 

"Dismount, colonel. Advance and be recognized." 

He was certain that there was some mistake, for 
no guard was supposed to be posted there. But a 



140 FUNNY STORIES 

sentry's orders are not to be disobeyed, so he grum- 
blingly dismounted and led his horse forward, in- 
wardly vowing vengeance against the sergeant of 
the guard who had caused him all this trouble. 

As he approached the sentry he burst out wrath- 
fully: 

"Who in thunder posted you here ?" 

"No one, sir. I'm just practicing." 

PLEASED IS NO NAME FOR IT 

Doris : "Was your C. O. pleased, Algy, when you 
told him my idea for beating the Germans on the 
Western Front?" 

Algy: "Pleased! I should jolly well think he 
was. Why, he laughed for hours !" 

GENUINE CHICKEN DINNER 

Two rookies were indulging in the soldier's privi- 
lege — growling about his station and how the sol- 
dier gets stung for everything. 

"I ordered a chicken dinner at a cafe downtown 
and they charged me a dollar and six bits," Bone 
was saying. 

A newsie overheard him. "Say, mister," he said, 
"I know where you can get a chicken dinner for two 
bits. A good big one, too." 

The soldiers looked skeptical, but the newsie in- 
sisted that he was telling the truth. Finally the sol- 
dier who had been stung asked him where this place 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 141 

was located. The newsie mentioned an address on 
one of the side streets of San Antonio. 

A few days later the two soldiers went to the city 
and determined to visit the cheap restaurant. They 
found the address. It was a feed store. 

ON THE ORIGINAL FIRING LINE 

Moses and Aaron were partners in business when 
Aaron was called up and had to go to camp. About 
a month after Aaron had departed he received a 
telegram from Moses. The telegram read: 

"Business burned out. Got $10,000 insurance. 
What shall I do?" 

Aaron immediately wired back: 

"Start another business." 

One month later Aaron received another telegram 
from Moses : 

"Business burned out again. Got $13,000 insur- 
ance. What shall I do?" 

Aaron immediately wired back : 

"Keep the home fires burning." 

PLAY THE GAME 

The German artillery were doing their best to 
erase a small town from the map. Every few min- 
utes there would be a deafening crash and the re- 
mains of a house would soar skyward enveloped in 
a cloud of smoke. 

In a field on the outskirts of the town some Cana- 



142 FUNNY STORIES 

dian soldiers, relieved from the trenches for a few 
days, were indulging in their favorite game of base- 
ball. The pitcher had just pitched the ball and 
the batsman had hit an easy catch to one of the 
fielders when a huge shell landed in the adjoining 
field. The fielder's attention was fixed on the shell, 
which burst with a deafening crash, and he missed 
the catch. 

"For the love of Mike," roared the pitcher, who 
was a typical Irish-Canadian, "if you are going to 
play baseball, play baseball, and quit watching the 
shells." 

SHE WAS USED TO IT 

Mrs. Flatbush — So your husband is "somewhere 
in France"? 

Mrs. Bensonhurst — So I believe. 

Mrs. Flatbush — But don't you know where? 

Mrs. Bensonhurst — No. 

Mrs. Flatbush — Don't you feel somewhat con- 
cerned ? 

Mrs. Bensonhurst— Why, no. When he was here 
I knew he was somewhere in America, but half of 
the time I didn't know where. 

SPIRIT OF FRANCE 

A tired and dusty doughboy drew up in front of 
a shell-battered house in Chateau-Thierry and 
asked a French woman if he could get a drink of 
water. 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 143 

"Oui, mon garcon," said the woman. "You come 
right along with me." 

After the soldier had obtained his drink and was 
about to depart, he remarked that her house had 
suffered more or less from the guns. 

"Yes," was the reply. "I used it as a dressing 
station for the Americans who were wounded here, 
and the Boche seemed to know about it. But it's 
all right. We will build it up again and everything 
will be the same." 

She explained in detail just how she would rear- 
range the architecture, how the windows would be 
built larger. 

"We will have to carry a lot of rock," she smiled. 
"You see, those are all shot to pieces. But it's not 
far to the river." 

Then she turned and resumed her task of clearing 
away the debris that had once been the east wall of 
her house. 

RECOGNIZED THE RESEMBLANCE 

Pat was serving in the Army, and his two com- 
panions happened to be an Englishman and a 
Scotsman. These two gave their Irish friend a lively 
time with their jokes and teasing. 

One day Pat was called away, and left his coat 
hanging on a nail. The Englishman and Scotsman, 
seeing some white paint near, seized the opportunity 
of painting a donkey's head on the back of Pat's 
coat. 



144 FUNNY STORIES 

The latter soon returned, and looking first at his 
coat, and then fixing his eye on his chums, said 
slowly : "Begorra ! and which of you two has wiped 
your face on my coat?" 

PROOF POSITIVE 

"Come, corporal," said the colonel, "say definitely 
what you mean. Was the prisoner drunk, or wasn't 
he?" 

" 'E wasn't himself, sir ; he was under the influence 
of drink. When I saw him he'd been washing his 
face in a puddle an' he was trying to wipe it on a 
wire doormat, cursin' the holes in the 'towel.' " 

CAN SHOW WHAT HE'S GOOD FOR 

The sergeant-major had trouble in finding an 
accountant for his captain, but at last brought in 
a private for trial. 

"Are you a clerk?" demanded the captain. 

"No, sir," replied the man. 

"Do you know anything about figures?" asked 
the captain. 

"I can do a bit," replied the man, modestly. 

"Is this the best man you can find?" asked the 
officer. 

"Yes, sir." 

"Well," growled the captain, "I suppose I'll have 
to put up with him!" Turning to the private, he 
snapped, "What were you in civilian life?" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 145 

"Professor of mathematics at the State College, 
sir," was the unexpected reply. 

GLAD HE TALKED TO GEN. PERSHING 

He was in khaki, but it's better not to say what 
branch of the service he is in, and it certainly would 
be cruel to hint at his company. There are probably 
gold bars in it, and the guardhouse is not the place 
for a returned soldier. Here's the story he tells. He 
says it's true: 

"Sometimes overseas," he said, "it seems as if 
every other man you met was a second lieutenant. 

"One day last spring Gen. Pershing and his staff 
found themselves out in the open with a chance for a 
bit of rest, the first in days, but nary a place to take 
it in. 

"Well, 'Black Jack' thought what was good 
enough for his men wasn't so worse for him. He 
just quietly rolled himself up in his cape and lay 
down under a hedge where the mud wasn't more 
than a foot deep, and the staff took the next hedge 
and did likewise. 

"Pretty soon along comes a regiment and stops 
for a minute. Some of the men drop out for a 
snooze, and one of them comes along to the hedge 
which was 'Black Jack's' private 'boodoir' and lies 
down beside him. Pretty soon he begins to talk to 
the chief friendly like, and Pershing talks to him 
and it was mighty dark. 

"Pretty soon the regiment's ordered to fall in 



146 FUNNY STORIES 

and the Johnny leaves 'Black Jack' casual like and 
starts to rejoin. But on his way he meets an orderly 
and he asks him, 'Who's that decent guy under the 
hedge?' 

"'My gracious,' or words to that effect, as they 
say at the court-martials, remarks the orderly, 'Don't 
you know that's General Pershing?' 

"Well, that soldier does some tall thinking for a 
minute and then he goes back to the hedge and stands 
at salute and begs Pershing's pardon most pretty. 
The General looks up at him and our friend swears 
he was grinning a little and he says slow and thought- 
ful like: 

" 'Never mind. That was an interesting talk and 
I understand. It's all right with me, but,' and the 
eyes of him looked as sober as if he was talking tac- 
tics with Foch, 'Don't try it with any of those new 
second lieutenants.' 

"And," concluded the man in khaki, "the guy 
went away just a-shuddering with thinking what 
would have happened if it had been a second lieuten- 
ant instead of just a GeneraL" 

BEFORE ONE CAN TURN AROUND 

Willis — How do you like army life ? Quite a num- 
ber of new turns for a fellow to get used to, I sup- 
pose. 

Gillis — You bet. At night you turn in, and just 
as you are about to turn over somebody tuuns up 
and says, "Turn out." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 147 

ONE ON THE COLONEL 

The Colonel beckoned to his orderly. 

"Smith, I wish you'd ride into the town and get 
the correct time." 

"Why, sir," Smith hesitated, "I haven't got a 
watch." 

"A watch, a watch," the Colonel roared. "What 
in the name of sense do you want a watch for? Write 
it down on a piece of paper, man." • 

A GRAND STAND PLAY 

All sorts of stories come from across the water 
relative to misunderstandings between Yanks and the 
ladies over there, and not the least amusing is one 
told at the Washington Press Club by one of the 
correspondents. 

Seems the doughboy had taken an English girl to 
a baseball game, and, after it was over, was eager 
to make sure that she had understood and appreciated 
the great American game. 

"Now, if there's anything you didn't understand 
tell me and I'll explain," he pleaded in her fair ear. 

"Well," she answered, "really, don't you know, I 
didn't understand a bit of it, and some of it sounded 
awfully silly." 

"What was so awfully silly?" demanded the dough- 
boy. "Tell me and I'll explain." 

"Well," replied the girl, dubiously, "why do they 
call the seats the stands?" 



148 FUNNY STORIES 

And, at last reports, the soldier was still trying 
to tell her. 



THE NEGRO IN AUTHORITY 

Camp Devens, Mass. — These colored noncommis- 
sioned officers are efficient or nothing. 

A newly-made corporal, recently from Dixie, was 
superintending the breaking up of some old cases 
down in the 13th Battalion today. A dark recruit 
was wielding an ax with vigor and with fair success. 
The corporal apparently couldn't find any specific 
thing the matter with his work, but he stopped him 
just the same. "Boy," said the dignified corporal, 
"boy, does you know how to do dis yere work?" 

"Co'se ah does," replied the recruit rather in- 
dignantly. 

The corporal eyed him dangerously. "Sojer," 
he said, darkly, "did ah evah show you how dis should 
be done? Have yo' evah received any constructions 
fum me?" 

"No," admitted the rookie reluctantly, "yo' nevah 
tol' me nuthin'." 

"Den, man, yo' don' know nuthin'," exploded the 
corporal, and the private meekly dropped his ax. 

DON'T YOU DO IT, TOMMY 

Old Lady (to severely wounded soldier) : "Poor 
man, have you lost your leg?" 
Tommy : "Yes, mum." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 149 

Old Lady : "Oh, poor fellow ! Do have an apple !" 
Tommy (to his chum, when the old lady had de- 
parted) : "Bill, I think I'll have my other leg off 
before she comes next week. I might get a banana !" 

NO PROHIBITION THERE 

"That's how we do things in the Army," said 
Tommy, pointing to a news heading which bore the 
word, "Five Hundred Germans Drowned in Cham- 
pagne." "Got nothing to beat that in the Navy, 
I'll bet." 

"Oh, haven't we?" retorted his sailor friend. "My 
lad, that's nothing to get excited about — nothing 
at all. In that last little affair along the Belgian 
coast we sank three German submarines in port !" 

CHAFFING EACH OTHER 

When Charles Schwab was inspecting the Seattle 
shipbuilding yards he was accompanied by his friend, 
Dr. Eaton. Both are eloquent speakers, the crowd 
always calling for more. It was horse and horse 
between the two as to which could tell the most im- 
possible story on the other. 

One day while addressing a few thousand ship- 
builders, Dr. Eaton scored a base hit with this : 

"Boys, I'll tell you something in strict confidence. 
A few days ago when in Tacoma, Charlie and I 
went aboard a new ship that was nearly ready to go 
in service. As we walked along the clean, new deck, 



150 FUNNY STORIES 

Charlie noticed some large lids and wondered what 
was inside. So the sailors came and lifted the hatch, 
and when he looked down into the hold he said, 'Why, 
the damn thing is hollow !' " 

Then Charlie came to bat and told how on leaving 

Portland "Doc" rushed to him in great excitement 

with the announcement that he had lost his baggage. 

"'It's too bad,' I said. 'How did it happen?' 

" 'Why, the cork came out,' moaned the Doctor." 

GETTING ON FAST 

One day in a French village two soldiers were 
being served coffee by an old French woman when 
one of them remarked, "Gee, Bill, this don't taste 
like coffee." 

"Ain't," answered his companion; "it's chicory." 
The first soldier looked at him in admiration and 
said: "Here we only struck this place yesterday 
and you're learning the language already." 

NO WONDER HE REBELLED 

The Officer (to recruit reported for insubordina- 
tion, who has refused to enter the swimming pool) — 
And what have you got to say for yourself? 

Recruit — Please, sir, I've only been in the navy 
three days. The first day the doctor drawed two 
o' me teeth; the second day I was vaccinated, and 
now a petty orficer, he says, "Come along! We're 
goin' ter drown yer!" 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 151 

THEY ALL GET 'EM 

Bill is a soldier in France. Several months ago his 
sweetheart, Dolly, sent him a box of fruit, nuts, etc. 
Two weeks later she sent a letter and incidentally 
asked him if he got the goodies. She evidently didn't 
write distinctly or Bill didn't read carefully. To her 
surprise she received a letter from him saying : "Yes, 
every soldier gets the cooties." So much alike, yet 
so different. 

REACHED HIS LIMIT 

After coming in from a 20-mile "hike" the officer 
in command of a negro company said, before dis- 
missing them : "I want all the men who are too tired 
to take another hike to take two paces forward." 

All stepped forward except one big, husky six- 
footer. Noticing him, the officer said : "Well, John- 
son, ready for twenty miles more?" 

"No, sah," replied Johnson. "Ah'm too tired 
to even take dem two steps." 

SEEKING INFORMATION 

Sambo, a dusky warrior in the American army, 
had only recently landed, and was comparing London 
with New York. He paused before a shop window 
full of watches. His gaze became fixed on a very 
shiny watch on a velvet cushion, on which was pinned 
a card bearing the words, "This watch will go for 
eight days without winding." 



152 FUNNY STORIES 

Sambo pondered, and then walked straight into 
the shop: "Say, boss, will you tell how long dat 
darn watch will go if you do wind it up ?" 

BIRDS FAR SURPASSED 

"Look at that fellow doing the 'falling leaf,' the 
'tail spin,' and other fancy tricks away up there in 
the air." 

"I see him." 

"I never thought I'd live to see a man as much 
at home in the air as a bird." 

"Umph! No bird is in the same class with an 
expert aviator when it comes to flying. Did you 
ever see a bird that could fly upside down?" 

NO KICK COMING 

Camp Devens, Mass. — Seven hundred and fifty 
medical replacement troops have just left this camp 
for service overseas. Just before their departure 
a sergeant from the Depot Brigade came to Lieut.- 
Col. C. C. McCornack, Division Surgeon, and asked 
for a transfer to the detachment then about to leave. 

"Colonel," he pleaded, "I've been in this doggone 
army more than a year. In that time I've scarcely 
set foot outside this camp. If I don't get across 
now, I never will. I'll be a hell of a soldier, won't I ?" 

Col. McCornack leaned back in his chair and 
laughed. 

"Sergeant," he said, "you've got a fine chance of 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 153 

getting any sympathy out of me on that score. I've 
been in the Army twenty years and haven't got 
across. What are you kicking about?" 

A REAL SPREE 

The Liberty Bond squad had some interesting ex- 
periences. "I am not subscribing for this $50 Lib- 
erty Bond to please you," explained a woman, as 
doleful as she is wealthy. "I am doing it to please 
my own self." 

"Make it $100," said the young solicitor, "and 
give yourself one roaring, rousing good time." 

MOVING PICTURE IN ONE REEL 

The chaplain of a certain camp was challenged 
by a sentry with, "Halt! Who goes there?" 

The minister answered, "Chaplain." 

"Advance, Charlie," ordered the sentry, "and be 
recognized." For which he was banished to the 
guardroom. 

USEFUL AND ORNAMENTAL 

The flappers were taken out to tea by two staff 
officers resplendent in scarlet and khaki. Being "on 
the staff" caused the two young men to be very popu- 
lar with themselves, and to treat the flappers rather 
patronizingly. The younger of the two girls was 
lost in admiration. Looking up her escort adoringly, 
she cooed: 



154 FUNNY STORIES 

"O, what lovely boots! And spurs, too! Why 
do you wear spurs?" 

"0," chipped in the other girl, who objected to 
being regarded as an infant, "the spurs are to keep 
the feet from slipping off their office stools !" 

THE MILITARY HAIR GUT 

A grizzled chap in a captain's uniform came into 
a barber shop. He saluted smartly and seated him- 
self in the chair. 

"Hair cut," he said in gruff tones. 

"How would you like it cut, sir?" the barber asked. 

The captain, who was baldish, answered, gruffer 
than ever: 

"Line up the hairs and number off to the right. 
Odd numbers each want a half inch off. Dress 
smartly with bay rum and brilliantine. Then dis- 



BASEBALL IN BLIGHTY 

An American officer recently expressed his sur- 
prise that English people had so quickly appreciated 
the fascinations of baseball, and particularly how 
very enthusiastic women were on the game. 

"Why, at the Navy and Army match the other 
week," he said, "I counted quite twenty 'fans' among 
the women sitting around me." 

"Yes," said a charming old lady, "and I wished 
I had taken mine, for the heat was terribly trying." 



TOLD BY THE SOLDIERS 155 

UNIVERSAL COMPLAINT 

An American soldier was being shown over an 
old English church where hundreds of people were 
buried. 

"A great many people sleep between these walls," 
said the guide, indicating the inscription-covered 
floor. 

"So?" said the doughboy. "Same way over in 
our country. Why don't you get a more interesting 
preacher?" 

SAMPLE WAS SATISFACTORY 

It was a hot day, and two sailors had just been 
released from a long spell of duty on a mine sweeper. 
They made a bee-line for the first public-house they 
saw, and one of them ordered two quarts of ale. 
The men emptied their mugs in one draught whilst 
the barmaid looked on in undisguised admiration. 

The man who had paid stood for a second or two 
wetting his lips meditatively, and then turned to his 
comrade with a grin. 

"'Tain't so bad, Bill, is it?" he remarked. "Shall 



NO FUN WITHOUT FUNDS 

A New York editor said on his return from an 
official visit to the front : 

"The soldier can still have a good time on his 
furlough, but the war prices make a good time costly. 



156 FUNNY STORIES 

"A handsome young American officer was sending 
a wire one day in a London postoffice where I was 
mailing a package. The girl telegraph clerk, run- 
ning over the officer's message said : 

" 'I can't make out whether this reads "No funds" 
or "No fun." ' 

"'Oh, well, what's the difference?' said the officer, 
gloomily lighting a cigarette. 

THOUGHT HE HAD ARRIVED 

One of our transports sailing from an Atlantic 
port, heading for France with a load of negro troops, 
had engine trouble two days out. It was decided 
that the ship put back to port, and it returned, but 
to a different pier of that same port. 

The dusky warriors were immediately unloaded 
and made ready to embark on another ship. While 
standing in line, one of the braves stepped out and 
walking up to an officer asked : 

"Ah beg yo' pardin, sah, but can you tell me whar 
the city of Paris lies f um hyere ?" 

"COUNT 'EM NOW, MISTAH KAISER" 

This story was brought back from the trenches 
by a Knights of Columbus secretary : 

A colored soldier, hearing the report of a 14-inch 
naval gun exclaimed : 

"There ! Mistah Kaiser ! You all count your men 
now and see how many is missing." 



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